Previously – Sarah didn’t know what to do when her boobies came flying out at children, Negative Renee’s still negative, Jaslene’s a “time bomb” (if she explodes we’ll be covered in “fierce”) and the Midwestern chick who’s shtick was being “innocent” got sent home to commune with Jesus

The two plus girls have a plus size klatch. At one point, I think Diana refers to the non-plus girls as “straight”. Normally “straight” indicates you aren’t into same-sex relationships or you aren’t using. Well, she is hanging with Whitney who’s “played girls’ basketball”. We figured out that code already. Diana’s talking about “curves” and Whitney’s talking about “rolls hanging on” and I suddenly want an Asiago cheese bagel. Cassandra is ministering to the girls with the quiet peace she carries within. She and that sewing basket she has on her head aren’t long for this competition. She’s counseling “fierce” and “deaf” Jaslene, who’s missing her family. Her family is not missing her, I guarantee it. I swear I heard a tone in her momma’s voice last episode via phone that screamed “I have had enough of this girl calling me every time someone looks at her wrong”. Cassandra says that she can still compete and “be who I am” at the same time. You better get competitive, an edge, and take some good pics, or you’re going to be counseling the other waitresses at the 99.

Jael is entertaining everyone by wearing red tinsel as a wig, and trying to look sexy. She’s so crazy; I think I want to have her crack baby. She’s talking about how she wants to be the best model she can be. Don’t we all? Tyra Mail reveals that tomorrow is my favorite episode of the cycle – the Makeover Show! Tears, screaming, people leaving the show because they refuse to get their hair cut shorter. It’s like love across my TV screen. Brittany tells Jael that they can do whatever they want to her, and she won’t be upset. She might take good pictures, but she’s a filthy, filthy liar.

More of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 8 after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

The girls enter their new torture chamber. The Jays are there along with this cute little sparkplug of a hair stylist named Neeko. Olive skin, goatee, tattoos and horn rims. I’m down. Tyra comes out to perform one of her “skits”, dressed in pajamas and curlers. And the girls have to uproariously fake-laugh or else they will be tossed off the show or worse, beaten. Because Tyra knows people. I understand the curlers because it is the makeover show, but I’m choosing to think her ass was too lazy to throw some jeans on. We get a fantastic flashback to every girl who’s ever thrown a wobbly, ending with manservant Jaeda from last cycle who sobbed up a friggin’ storm with some big man-sobs. Like her favorite NFL team lost the Superbowl or one of the kids broke the lawnmower or some NBA star retired or something. You know, reasons for when guys cry. Tyra goes through what will be done to each girl. She gesticulates a lot, as if she’s going to flap her wings and fly her model ass away at any moment. I’m happy to hear that they’re giving Felicia some bangs so I don’t have to wonder why her hairline is melting or why her eyes are coming out of her waxy forehead. They also mention that this will take care of her “breakage”. Is that the word for when a woman has a quality that’s unidentifiable but means you need to avert your eyes because it’s too alien to focus on? And they’re chopping off Dionne’s side ponytail. Which is a crime. If I were a lady, or a trannie – it would be side ponytails all the live-long day.

Natasha is way happy about going “chocolate brown”. She might think she’s actually getting candy, which is why she’s so excited. Maybe she’s just happy for a make-over. They probably don’t have those over in Russia a lot. Tyra’s skit concludes with them pretending to cut her hair. In Tyra’s defense, this act is a little less annoying than the “crazy diva” one from last cycle. A little less. That’s something.

Makeovers commence. Hair is chopped, weaved, glued, tracked, styled. Neeko is cutesy. I want him on my team, so does everybody else. When the girls’ makeovers are through, they pose in these weird bandage outfits which I’m pretty sure are what Zool wore in the penultimate scene from “Ghostbusters”. Are you the Gatekeeper? Tyra’s the Keymaster. And Mr. Jay’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Queen. Cassandra looks really good with a big f*cked-up Afro weaved on. It takes away from her Jimmy Durante-ness. Jaslene feels that when they chopped off some of her hair, they took a lot of anger and resentment with it. Her Mom’s just praying they took away Jaslene’s access to the phone with it. Stop calling me, puta! Univision’s on!

Jael is talking about her makeover, and referring to herself as “the beast”. She says that she will have to act wilder inside because she might be mistaken for having a “normal attitude” now. I wouldn’t worry about that, Timmy. Ms. Jay gets a makeover, and I’m stricken by how much he looks like Jay-Z. Hova? Gay hova? Gay drag Hova? Felicia looks SO much better. Seriously, it’s causing me to actually breathe a sigh of relief. I can look at her now without a sinking feeling or any questions. Natasha looks like Cleopatra got her ass thrown through a warp and landed in a brothel in 1980′s Nevada. Holy jesus, every time she comes on the screen all the queens I’m watching this with start cracking up. She looks tremendous. They sew and pin and glue a weave to Brittany’s head and it looks friggin’ painful. How do ladies cope with this shit? Having to shave your legs, bleed out once a month, and then some of em’ continue on to painfully attach fake hair to their melons? It’s a man’s world, indeed. And the result for Brittany is red and curly and looks like she should be running around with a fellow doll named Andy.

Jael gets eight hours worth of weave work done, and then Jay rolls up on her and tells her that he’s “been on the phone with Tyra” (sure…) and they’ve decided that it was a mistake. EXCUSE ME? She’s not at that “elevated look” the other girls are at. Yeah, so it was eight hours for nothing. He tries to appease her ass by telling her that she’s going to get a “Rosemary’s Baby” cut instead. But seriously? Ok, first off – you should probably always preface that “Rosemary’s Baby” with a “Mia Farrow in”
. Because no bitch wants Ruth Gordon’s hair-do on her damn head. Or Satan’s. Or John Cassavetes’. Secondly, not everyone wants to look like a traumatized pregnant white girl in a Satan movie. Jael is weeping. And they keep doing close-ups on her, with the tears and the sniffling and she’s so pale, it’s like the damn Blair Witch Project.

Ms. Jay tells her she’s going to have to work extra hard now that she has no hair on her head. Uh, wasn’t this supposed to “elevate” her look? Mr. Jay tells her she can cry for “a minute” but then she has to decide if she’s going to own it or not. Own this, queen! Jael is very literal and is all “yes, I’m going to own this”. Don’t you be intimidated by that Oompah-Loompah! He’s never had to go through this! Jael shrugs it off finally, and says – “I’m a rocker”. She’s tamed the new haircut into a pompadour, so I’m guessing she means Morrissey. Or Phranc.

They let Natasha read the Tyra mail again. Mean bitches. It looks like we’re going to be up for a make-up challenge. So more CoverGirl shilling. Brittany’s hair itches and she’s crying. I think I’d cry, too but apparently all Brittany does is cry. We get a couple of the other girls telling us that she’s always creating a river with her tears. Whitney Lesbian Cute Oprah wants to smack her. She faces off with her in the kitchen and tells her people should only cry if their boyfriend gets shot or their roommate got shot. Jesus, she’s had a tough life. Then she tells us she gave her the “deuces” and left. HAHA! I love Whitney’s peace-out bitch fingers. Brittany isn’t sure what to do so she tells her that her steak is ready. She was cooking your ass steak and you put her on blast? That’s not very grateful.

Jael’s in a bikini top and listening to her messages and she finds out a friend of hers OD’d. Ouch. Granted, I’m not shocked it was drug-related but she seems genuinely upset so I’ll lay off her. When everyone starts rushing to see what’s going on, we get a weird shot of Cassandra standing in a green dress with blue leggings seemingly frozen whilst admiring something. She looks like she’s on a damn Ikea catalog page. Jael says modeling is a good distraction for her right now, but still – finding out one of your best friends died horribly with a camera in your face isn’t a night at Chucky Cheese.

The makeup challenge takes the girls to this garden. Brittany is now saying she has a stomach bug. Negative Renee is working her sly negative bullshit and trying to psych her out. Which is probably a good idea. She asks her if she plans on spending the day laying in the limo. Jael tells her to pull it together, honey. I like Jael more and more. Negative Renee is so full of shit, I hate that bitch. The mention of her name draws flies. The girls are faced with Roxana and Carissa from CoverGirl and Seventeen, respectively. Roxana is a make-up artist and a “queen consultant”, who makes me want to find out what the job track is like for that position. And Carissa has replaced that werewolf Altoosa from last season as head of Seventeen. The girls have to run around putting makeup on, and the winner and two of her friends get a spread in Seventeen.

The girls change into these bogus spring dresses. I’m not loving them. Diana is worried about things not fitting her. Unless you have a thyroid problem, then stop eating donuts. Problem solved. They have ten minutes to get makeup done. There is CoverGirl makeup everywhere. Including nail polish. They must have just wanted to shill that as well in the shot. Because I can’t recall my Mom, Ri-Ri Harvey, ever painting her nails while running around and having it look good in ten minutes. Someone grabbed Jaslene later and made her talk about how much she loved the CoverGirl eye shadow. Hopefully she got some free shit for that little speech. The key to this shit is to get it done in time and despite running her ass through thorny rosebushes – Cassandra is disqualified.

Brittany wins and grabs the two girls who urged her to compete despite her diarrhea – Jael and Sarah. She should have added – “…and Renee can suck me.” Jael talks about how awesome Brittany’s photos are and she’s right. Besides Jaslene, she takes the best ones. Negative Renee takes a swallow of Haterade and says that Brittany is boring and that she doesn’t stand out and she may win the little battles but Renee’s gonna win the war. You’re not gonna win that war with DSS so ya might wanna check on your kid, Neglector.

Meanwhile, back at Hell House, everyone starts hatin’ on Raggedy Brittany. Diana and Negative Renee sit there and talk about what a bitch she is and how she wants to smack her and how she’s fake. Brittany is listening to every word. Brittany confronts the Mother of the Year, and Negative Renee is all “girls talk about girls, deal”. And she tries to make Brittany feel bad for confronting her and calls her immature. Brittany calls after her that she’s still beating her in the competition. Suck on that, NeNe. Negative Renee flips her the bird and exits. She should have given her the deuces. Ask Whitney how.

Jael’s crying in a pool of her own tears. Brittany is pulling Jael into her war with Plus and Minus over there. Sarah says that it’s good that Jael was able to get out all those emotions in regards to her friend’s death. Uh yeah, thanks Sarah. Grief is always f*cking wonderful and should definitely be used as a tool for personal growth. Put a shirt on!
Diana and Negative Renee talk about how they’re going to knock Brittany on her ass one of these times. And I’m sure that will DEFINITELY keep you in the running to be America’s Next Top Model, dumb bitches. Diana’s all “I can’t stand the bitch, either”. Easy, plus size. Stop being that big girl desperate to fit in with the “straights”. I don’t see Whitney kissing any ass.

The photo shoot for this episode is by far the dumbest and most low-function out of any of them. Even the one where they floated in that wind tunnel. And maybe even next week’s where they break into a bank vault. Don’t ask. The girls have to dress as different types of sweets and hold ice cream. Retarded. Mr. Jay’s all ice cream is one of mine and Tyra’s favorite treats. And we like to go to the movies, and get baskets at Easter and watch TRL, too. Chocolate is good! What the hell is he talking about? Weirdo. Brittany loses any momentum she had with me when she starts crying that she has to get nude. And then she ominously tells Felicia that her “hands won’t react well” to holding the ice cream. Felicia’s all “uh, nobody’s will”. Ya dumb bitch. HAH! Brittany, stop whining. Dionne tells Mr. Jay that she’s more comfortable being naked to which he replies – “that’s interesting”. So he basically calls her a prostitute.

Diana has a hard time sucking her stomach in. Negative Renee looks weird in her pic, sorta frosty but with smallpox. Whitney has beautiful skin but she does come off as old in her photo. Jaslene says she felt sensual and that she tried to bring out more of her personality. No, there wasn’t a phone or any Bounty paper towels to cry into at the shoot.

Sarah says Natasha looked like Kate Moss. Negative Renee seconds my thoughts when she asks Sarah if she’s even seen Kate Moss. Heh. Natasha says that she’s very proud of herself for. I’m proud of her too. All of us mail-order brides are. At home that day, Whitney comforts Jael by the pool and prays over her. I feel like I’m watching a Lifetime movie filmed at an attractive orphanage in California. Whitney likes holding Jael to her bosom because she’s “played women’s basketball”. Whitney has gone from Cute Oprah to Cute Predatory Queen Latifah.

Tyra’s still working the Valerie Harper at judging. Throw in a little Mona from Tales of the City as well. Neelo’s the guest judge and I want him to work on my coif. Jael starts bawling at the panel, and explains about her friend. All of the bitches are yelling encouragement. Tyra, perhaps recalling how she almost killed CariDee via hypothermia last cycle, says this is the one time it’s ok not to be a model and to be human. Tyra says some bullshit about how she can tell that Jael’s part-African-American from her photo. She’s pink and blue in the photo, where in Africa does that happen? At the Care Bear palace on the Serengeti? Natasha lets her hair down on Tyra’s orders and still looks like clowny Cleopatra hooker. LOVING. IT. Tyra basically says she hates her film, and Natasha finds it to be a positive. She’s so plucky.

Felicia does that dance that Diddy does where he wants us to know how soulful he is but can’t actually dance. It looks better on her. Tyra immediately tells her that her judging outfit is too “video” and not “model” enough. This cycle is very heavy on the girls showing up looking like “models” to judging. Does this count in the final analysis? Looking like a model seems to require hair down, tank top, no jewelry, long jeans and heels. So basically the outfit I wear down at the Wal-Mart. Brittany’s photo kicks ass and Negative Renee throws a mean-mug. Seriously, she’s like a villain from JEM with her frosty short hair and her stank faces. Showtime, Synergy!

Diana’s up and the judges aren’t thrilled with her picture. They think she’s too self-conscious about her body. Tyra asks her why she seems that way and Diana responds with a perfect non-committal “I don’t know” as if Tyra is annoying her ass with these foolish questions and Diana has no idea what she’s talking about. Tyra isn’t feeling that answer or the way in which she said it and dismisses her big languid-answering ass. Jaslene says something about how she doesn’t want to seem too much like her culture in her photos. And Tyra goes all sassy, and says that’s HER culture and she lives it. Her culture is the sassy black female neighbor on bad sitcoms?

Judges confer in private. They hate on Jaslene’s picture, but I’m sorry – it’s going to come down to Jaslene and Brittany. The photos count, right? Tyra goes into retard end of show mode with wide eyes. God, where’s my pistol at? Negative Renee makes even more nasty supervillain anime faces when Brittany’s photo is first picked. Everyone smiles whenever Natasha is called up. She’s so lovable with her language barrier and her unsinkable mail order bride spirit. “I am good, no?” Anyway, it comes down to Cassandra (spiritual Earth mother) and Diana (tired second-rate bigger but still Negative Renee). Remember when Whitney was bitching at Brittany about crying too much? Well, she’s over there with her face bobbing up and down from behind her photo sobbing her tits off. Dude, Cassandra isn’t dying. This isn’t a leukemia diagnosis. Oh, uh, yeah Cassandra’s leaving and they kept that large bore Diana. People act like a re-enactment of the day JFK was shot. Yelling and moaning and tears a-flyin’. Get a grip!

Next – Negative Renee freaks her shit (did they take her kid away seeing as she basically shot him out and ran to L.A.?), and the girls have to re-enact Catherine Zeta-Jones’ bank robbery in “Entrapment” for a photo shoot. WHO IS WRITING THIS SHITE?