Previously – Denise had her gay quit on her over a dispute with her hag. And Denise and her friends worked a pole. This show is really going places.

This week’s episode is all about the death of Denise’s Moms. And it’s going to be hard to tell whether or not she’s using her mother’s death as a shameless ploy to grab our hearts and not to hate her so much for her conniving, golddigging ways or whether she’s working something out. Ok, she totally is. After all, how do you steal a husband? LIES!

More Denise after the jump.

Previously – Denise had her gay quit on her over a dispute with her
hag. And Denise and her friends worked a pole. This show is really
going places.

This week’s episode is all about the death of Denise’s Moms. And it’s
going to be hard to tell whether or not she’s using her mother’s death
as a shameless ploy to grab our hearts and not to hate her so much for
her conniving, golddigging ways or whether she’s working something out.
Ok, she totally is. After all, how do you steal a husband? LIES!Denise
is posing with Kat Von D on the cover of Inked magazine. Does she have
tattoos? Probably on her lab. Don’t ask. As I mentioned previously,
this is the “Mom is dead” show, so Denise is already bringing it up.
She asks her makeup artist Karen how she’s coping with the loss.
Karen’s like, who?Actually Karen has done Denise’s makeup for
ten years and they both have lost Moms. Denise’s gay hairstylist (I
probably didn’t need to put “gay” in there) cracks jokes about how
Karen drinks now that she’s lost her mom. As you can see, complete
antipathy for other people’s pain is a common trait of homosexuals,
just like retardation.Kat Von D shows up and wow, she likes
tattoos. A LOT. I still don’t understand why Denise is on the cover.
You can’t see her vulv tattoo. I’m starting to get the impression that
Denise will do any cover. Horses & Hounds! Denise has
insomnia. We knows this because the cameraman is in her bedroom,
recording her tossing and turning. This part is so scripted, I can’t
even talk about it. But what if it isn’t? She would need to have some
sort of meeting with the producers because there is a man filming her
sleep and this is not a test for apnea.Denise goes to see Dr.
Katz, who still isn’t vibrating. Is she wearing giant pink palazzo
pants? Who knew she was such a trendsetter?  And I thought she hated
this dude since last episode. Denise says that her lack of sleep is
starting to affect her, and now I understand why she’s had a sad clown
face carved into her mug since Episode One. Katz recommends hot stuff -
hot milk, hot cocoa, hot bath, hot vibrator. Then he asks Denise what’s
“plaguing” her. Well, my guess is her underhanded skeezy ways.No,
it’s her Mom’s death, which she symbolizes by picking at some sort of
sore on her chin. Denise says she’s blocking out her Mom’s death.
Denise hasn’t been back to her Mom’s house since the death. So he
suggests she go back. Irv mentions (conveniently) that he had planned
to head over there to go through his wife’s things and invites Denise
and Michelle Plain and Tall. Grab your camera crew, Denise, it’s time
to work through your feelings.Please keep in mind that Denise
claims her mother wanted her to do a reality show. And also keep in
mind that Denise once called a writer from People a “c*nt” to her face.
That second part has nothing to do with this episode but I just really
like that moment.Denise says that she still has to find a new
assistant, and her Dad rounded up some. Denise interviews some crazies.
They should make this a lot more interesting. One dude does pull up on
a Big Wheel and they should have hired his ass IMMEDIATELY. This show
needs that hipster doofus bullshit. Put on your Hercules & Love
Affair records and let’s cut to some Denise bullshit at Hipster
Assistant!Denise scares one woman with all the pig-f*cking that
goes on around her castle. She plays word association with the
18-year-old and says “Richie Sambora”. Why would you bring that up?
God, give it a rest, we know you’re a hooker! The kid doesn’t know who
it is. Denise seems put out. EVERYONE should know whose husband she
stole! A couple of the other applicants seem like that might be DUI
charge recipients. The 18-year-old asks for a picture. Oh christ.Denise
hires the gay guy with the eyebrow piercing. Good choice, plus he’ll
pick up dogshit. Are people actually able to get to sleep with those
weird silken masks on? My eyes would get hot. Denise and Irv head to
the house. Where’s Michelle Plain and Tall? Bitch banged in! Irv
and Mom had a hot house. Did Charlie Sheen buy this? Oh, here’s
Michelle. Where’s that hot tattooed husband of hers. Denise and
Michelle go into this pink bedroom adorned with an old Cosmo cover of
Denise’s and talk about their mom. Irv brings a giant cup of tea for
Michelle to drink. Seriously, she could get her float and lounge in it.
There’s something kind of obscene about watching the three of them deal
with this on the E! network. Denise has big guns. Irv and the
girls pack shit up. And they’re going to make teddy bears out of the
Mom’s clothes. Well, better than seeing some homeless crackhead running
around in them, passing out free blowjobs. Denise is going to make
tomato soup because that’s what her and her Mom used to make. Irv and
the girls have dinner and share memories. I’m about to fling myself out
of a goddamn window. Denise is torturing us with this very special
episode. It’s taking all of my mojo.Denise still has insomnia.
So she calls her sister. And makes her come to her bedroom to read
magazines and do crosswords. Jesus, have a glass of wine! That’s what
everyone else does! Denise and “Shell” go through old photos. Irv
acknowledges that he’s not through it. Oh christ, then they find this
book that the Mom wrote an inscription in to the kids…and I can’t
even. Seriously, I might be ending this recap right now. This whole
episode is one big funeral dirge.Denise heads home to her
children. Actually, no, she heads to the beach to find shells. Cue more
sad music. And driving. And some longing looks. She FINALLY arrives
home to put the kids to bed. The kids are like, we had to hang out with
dad and that sucka is crazy! He had pole dancers over!Denise
and Irv have a tea party with the girls. And they give them the dead
Mom’s clothes bears made. Denise shoves their dead grandmother’s love
for them in their faces. When Denise gets serious, I would get on my
little girl scooter and ride the hell out of there. Even the dog is
yawning. By the way, those little girls are awesome. They
belch and realize their mom their Mom is crazy. That night, as Denise
makes them all cuddle up together with their bears, you can tell the
oldest one is so over this grief shit. This episode certainly cured MY
insomnia. Next – It looks like some teen relative of Denise’s gets handed her Playboy spread. Ewwww, that’s uncomfy!