By J. Harvey

Previously – several women and one basehead set their people, gender, and species back several 1,000 years.

Morning. Flav recaps for us that there are three girls left – New York (Shitty), Deelishis and Krazy. He remarks about how there’s three wacky personalities all mixed up in one house. Krazy sits outside in the morning sun, sipping coffee whilst dressed like Fred Flintstone. Seriously, what the hell is she wearing? Girls individually tell how they know they’re going to win this gig. Deelishis says “so brin-G it”. And yes, she emphasizes the “G” like that so you know she’s serious. New York is still crazier than Juliette Lewis. She’s smoking, her hair up in rollers and she’s pretending she’s on a cruise or something. And waiting to “take my man”.

FlavorGram! New York attempts to read it, and let’s hope she phonetics that shit up again. Apparently, everyone’s family is coming to visit. And via flashback, we learn that New York’s Mom isn’t a Flav fan. In fact, she is the only one so far on the show to point out how f*cking dumb the big clocks are. I’m glad someone said it. It’s like the elephant in the crack house no one wants to talk about. New York is stressing about the impending visit from big bad momma.

More of J. Harvey’s “Flavor of Love” recap after the jump.

Deelishis lets us know that they need to prepare “quarters” for their families because apparently this is now the military or someone’s under house arrest? Do Baby Phat hoodies come with a free thesaurus now? Deelishis is spraying the room down, and sweeping and she’s pissed because New York is in the bathroom “spray painting herself”. Heh, she should write this column. New York informs Deelishis that her family will be using the room and not sharing it. And guess what? Deelishis agrees and they cornrow each other’s hair and watch Girlfriends on the CW. Uh, no. They fight like the trashbags they are. At one point Deelishis is wielding a curling iron, and I am amazed she doesn’t use it because New York might not be as big as her but she has got to be one of the most intentionally irritating characters I have ever had the displeasure of viewing on my television. Her mockery makes me want to flense her. And it gets weird and racial when New York gets her way and makes some weird “slave” comments and this show is just the bottom of the pit.

Deelishis’ parents show up and her parents are reluctant to yell “Flavor Flav!” up the stairs. Mrs. Deelishis has got a bouffant on top of her head, and it’s pleasingly retro. I hope it’s retro on purpose. Hopefully, she’s working at Newbury Comics or something. Flav bonds with the Deelishis family, and charmingly comments that you can “hide from the cops” in Deelishis’ dimples. So we know where he’s coming from. That’s right up there with her eyes being limpid pools and shit. Krazy’s mom and grandmom flash. Her Mom looks like the lady you’d see at the end of the neighborhood bar late Friday night, losing at Keno and leaving every five minutes to smoke a butt. And if she’s seeing someone, she will have it out with him if he takes her goddamn lighter. Nana Krazy tells a delightful story about how when Krazy was a newborn, she “squirted” out of every place that she “could squirt” all over Nana Krazy. And she’s been carrying on the tradition by squirting out of certain areas onto people to this day. Especially when there’s a whiff of a recording contract.

And doom arrives in the form of New York’s bewigged mother. She looks like she’s on the lam. We get more flashbacks in the form of Mrs. New York asking her daughter “does he have you on drugs?” Does HE have you on drugs? Have you not noticed the coke boogers in your daughter’s snout? What’s wrong with you? Accusing someone of being on drugs….when it’s obvious that someone would have to be very very high to choose to wear that wigpiece you have on, lady. Mrs. New York is glaring at Flav and Flav barks at her to stop looking at him like that and it’s on like Donkey Kong. And you would seriously think Flav and New York are already married because she’s crying as Flav and her Moms throw down. Mom’s actually SHOVES Flav, and this is the worst acting since I told Michelle LaPlante in the tenth grade that I wanted to make sweet sweet love to her. Mrs. New York also plainly exhibits the psychosis that runs in the New York family when she acts bewildered that she is getting tossed out for getting physical with Flav. She keeps asking “what, we can’t talk? We was only talking!” It’s like if she were hitting you with a baseball bat and kept claiming she was just telling you a funny joke. Brrrrr. The other families watch in fear/amusement. Praying that Flav will lock the door after the scary wig lady leaves. New York is wailing like the drug-addicted banshee that she is.

And then we get some Masterpiece Theatre caliber performing as the actresses playing “New York” and “Mrs. New York” have a come to Jesus meeting concerning New York’s feelings for Flav. And Mrs. New York is all “what’s not clicking” in your head because he didn’t choose you the last time. And this is so scripted. And the closer the camera gets to Mrs. New York, the more she makes me uneasy. Maybe it isn’t scripted. Maybe there ARE people in the world like this. Maybe people are actually this trashy and crazy. Excuse me, while I go deadbolt my door and pray for morning. New York and Moms banter back and forth about Flav’s qualifications as a suitor, and New York informs her that Flav’s her “best friend” and her “confidante”. Spare me. Then, to keep the episode flowing, Mrs. New York decides she loves Flav (after doing an imitation of him as an ape which uh, that’s uncomfortable). Flav and Mrs. New York kiss and make up and New York cries and only one more, Jay, only one more.

Deelishis is nice, and lets the New York family have the room with the balcony so pig in a wig (Mrs. New York) can chain-smoke and pray. New York refers to Deelishis as a “lap dog” and she needs a punch. Everyone gathers outside to eat, and Flav brings out his 12,000 illegitimate children. One of whom is a little girl named “Designer”. People need to stop smoking weed and throwing away their baby name books. New York camera-psychos that she was never a child and that as soon as she popped out of her mom she was “just, in the know”. Oh, really? Did you KNOW you’re a hellacious douchebag? And she proves this by telling Flav’s children that she is H.B.I.C. (head bitch in charge), which really sets a child’s mind at ease about Daddy’s new girlfriend. Deelishis camera-truthfuls that New York is not the type of woman who “should be in the vicinity of children”. You damn skippy. Flav’s kids ask Krazy if she went to college, and she says she did but is then unable to remember what her major was so what was she doing for those two years? Fake ass bitch. These kids are a howl, because they’re Daddy’s little SWAT team as they rifle the reality show trollops with questions that they are unable to answer due to either a lack of vocabulary or being blind-sided. The kids tell Krazy that Flav wants four more kids and she is dead silent. Because she’s here to meet Jermaine Dupri and eventually win some Grammies and maybe start a clothing line, not chase around little Flavors. Deelishis seems to hit it off with the kids right away, but New York and Krazy are dead in the water. Flav’s daughter asks New York what she would do if she lost again, and she answers by dabbing her eyes with a napkin. Good cover – her acting is seriously on par with Madonna’s. Mrs. New York isn’t exactly helping her baby’s cause when she tells Flav’s kids that they can NOT call her “Momma B” despite New York nodding frantically for her to say “yes”. Heh.

The actress playing Mrs. New York is a howl, as she counters New York’s protesting that Flav’s kids seem well behaved with “who cares, you’re going to have your own BEAUTIFUL children!” So basically, she’s calling the kids ugly. Sweet lady. New York has already referred to them as “bastards” (which technically….) so I’m thinking the New York team has lost this challenge. So then we get Mrs. New York peering out from behind her tendrils of horsehair and telling New York that she’s dying. What?

And after the commercial, we find out that the freaky bitch was lying. Though, if this is real, it is amusing to see someone torture New York. Meanwhile, Flav quizzes his kids on which of the ladies should be their next baby momma. Or baby step-momma. Or what have you. It’s hard to take Flav seriously as a Dad when he’s wearing Viking horns and a big clock around his neck. But they’re probably used to it. My father would put his false teeth in upside down to gross us out, so it made him telling me to stay in school seem kinda hollow. Flav tells his kids that they are here for one reason – to help him pick out a slut. Well, he doesn’t put it like that but there’s not a lot of “happy to see you, kids!” going on. And as we guessed, they think Krazy is fake, New York is an asshole and Deelishis seems fairly honest. Then he dismisses them so he can go have sex. Bye, kids!

Flav takes Deelishis and her family and her mother’s hairdo to the Magic Castle for a magic show. Meanwhile back at Hell House, New York’s father is having some fun hanging with the Krazy family and he actually seems happy. And then we get this TERRIFYING shot of Mrs. New York peering over the railing down at the happy party and looking like Baal, Eater of Children. Seriously, I would scream and hide. Nana Krazy is drunk off her large culottes-wearing ass and screaming at Mr. New York to “pump it up” and yet there’s no music so maybe she means her hemorrhoid pillow. Then Golgotha the Demon Bride swoops in to tell everyone to quiet down and Krazy’s barfly mother takes her own peroxide life in her hands when she challenges her. Mr. New York then tries to tame his demonic slattern who then demands of the Krazy family or the cameraman or whomever to help get him off of her. She’s F*CKED. Nana Krazy knows it too, as she slurs, “she’s crazy!” And “get me some more Mike’s Hard Lemonade, this shit is tight”.

Oh, and at the Magic Castle, they fake-behead Deelishis. Yawn. Back to the house, and the Krazy family are out drunkenly peeing in the hot tub when New York shows up to ask Krazy what happened with her Mom. Then both white and black trash battle in a clash of the trash titans. It’s charming to see that all people, regardless of race, gender or economic background, can make themselves look this bad on national television. There’s a lot of yelling and we see that New York and her Mom are just time-lapsed versions of each other. New York tries to make like she owned the battle and she owns the house. But, I think she left because she knew Nana Krazy would end her rat-haired life.

The Magic Deelishis family date is over, and Flav goes home to get some ladies drunk. Nana Krazy is bombed, and she needs her own show. Somehow *eye roll*, Krazy’s demo gets played. Despite it being a slow song, Nana Krazy starts shaking her asses. Bitch is WASTED. Krazy starts singing along with the music, and she actually doesn’t sound that bad, to her credit. But stop being so blatant, lady.

There’s a Flavorgram the next morning, and I’m more concerned by how Krazy’s family can think it’s ok to look like that on camera. Brush up, ladies. New York and Mrs. New York talk in the bathroom whilst Mrs. New York tames her wiglet. Mrs. New York informs her daughter that even if Flav doesn’t eliminate her tonight, she’s going home with her. New York responds by crying. And then the community theatre gets even better as New York screams at her mother that she is “MRS. FLAVOR FLAV!” *sound of screeching brakes*

Flav takes Team Krazy to the hair salon. Drunken Nana does some research about how Flav has lost his license 48 times and he corrects her. It was 68. Everybody laughs like vehicular manslaughter after a liquor store robbery is hot shit. Nana also asks Flav what his intentions are towards her beloved granddaughter. To get some pussy, and some fair-to-middling VH-1 dollars. Duh. Stupid grandma. Meanwhile, Mrs. Krazy is trying to hide all the free limousine liquor she can in her purse from Kohl’s. Flav gets all the ladies some cornrows. Then Krazy starts tongue-lashing Flav in front of her family. And Nana camera-intoxicates that if there’s trouble, she jumping in there. Ok, first off, he’s not going to rape her ass in a salon. Second, you might want to worry more about your opportunistic lying slut of a granddaughter. Bitch is transparent. The Krazy family looks like tourism gone wrong with their cornrows. Mrs. Krazy doesn’t say much, so I’m giving her and the Deelishis family props for at least holding on to a teensy bit of dignity.

Something strange happens. Flav gets the dinner with Team New York underway and he goes to tell New York about it. And she has her hair up, and she looks and acts almost…sweet. Like she really likes the guy, and is happy to see him. Oh god, I’m drunk. Mrs. New York is two hours late for dinner, and when Flav does retrieve her – she looks like the drag queen that’s high on Dexedrine and just realized you spilled your vodka tonic on her Fendi knock-off. Mean as hell. Mrs. New York pronounces the meal to be “nasty” and refuses most of it. Mrs. New York grills Flav and she’s smoking and lets Flav know New York will be dating other crackheads. Flav protests that Team New York is seeing his alter ego William Drayton and Mrs. New York isn’t buying it. She insists that her daughter is going back with her tonight to the fiery pits of Asmodeus.

Mrs. New York reminds New York that she’s going to not get picked again. Elimination ceremony. Families stand behind daughters. Probably all praying that their daughter will get cut so this misery can end. Krazy’s Mom looks like her methadone might be wearing off, and Nana took out her cornrows. The heavy hand of foreshadowing draws its dark cloak across the proceedings. New York camera-dramas that she could be going home tonight, and just as she’s supposed to burst into tears she takes a nice big drag on her cancer stick. Way to garner sympathy, Smokestack. Deelishis gets a clock and New York takes the opportunity to camera-slag about Mrs. Deelishis’ “plastic hair”. From someone who looks like she’s got a dead terrier on her melon, she’s reaching. Momma Deelishis looks proud of her baby, while Mr. Deelishis looks like “hell no is this freak coming for Thanksgiving”.

New York gets a clock and Flav’s plan if Mrs. New York comes after him again is to “move, and let her ass run into a wall. Word.” Heh. He should write this column. Mrs. New York hangs her head and Mrs. Krazy is now leaning to the left. I have no idea what she’s on, but does she have anymore? Bitch is orbiting Jupiter. Mrs. New York keeps her performance going by staring prison shanks at William Drayton.

Flav lets us know that he thought Krazy was here for her singing career. Her real name is Heather, look for her soon appearing in Hustler in the “Reality Show Honeys” spread. As everyone is bidding goodbyes to their families, we overhear Mrs. New York saying that Flav is trying to “destroy her”. What? Time to go, Ma. *shiver* Mrs. New York accuses Flav of the attempted destruction and they give her some scary music like when you find out your babysitter is the Salem Slasher and she talks to her dolls which are made out of people’s ears. Flav bids Mrs. New York good-bye and she gets her weave caught in Flav’s wig. She’s seriously demented as she pleads for death. More scary music. Please leave. Trashbags toast and Flav has a surprise. They’re going to Belize. Oh, and we end on a cliffhanger. Pig in a wig heads back into the mansion to rescue her daughter. Only one more episode. Oh dear jesus, please let it end.

Next – Hopefully Mrs. New York makes like Left Eye and burns the house down.