(WENN)

I might even buy a special bookmark for the occasion. Madonna’s ex-nanny is shopping around a tell-all book .

A woman claiming to be a former nanny for Madonna is currently shopping a tell-all memoir detailing the inner workings of the Madonna-Guy Ritchie household. EW.com has seen the 80-page proposal, which is being circulated among major publishing houses. The document proposes a book that will reveal intimate information gleaned from Melissa Dumas’ service as Madonna’s nanny. Sample chapters and chapter summaries provide a laundry list of alleged details pertaining to Madonna’s marriage to Ritchie, their children’s behavior, the family’s participation in Kabbalah, and the motivation behind Madonna’s decision to adopt a boy from Malawi. The pitch also contains personal photos of Madonna’s family, as well as photos of the alleged nanny playing with Madonna’s kids.

I’m writing this from outside of Barnes & Noble, where I am the first in line to purchase this mess. I know this sounds crazy, because the book hasn’t been sold or published yet. But I want to be the first for intimate details on Madge. This is like the next Harry Potter for me. You know Lourdes hates Kabbalah and wishes she could live with her Dad in NYC and smoke in the park like the other kids. That’s the kind of thing I need to read about. It doesn’t matter, though. Madge will have this bitch killed. She has as much power as Oprah, she’s just more downlow about it. Instead of building schools in Africa, she builds rehearsal spaces for poor drag performers in Harlem. Screw Africa, we need more gender illusionists for bachelorette parties to make fun of the bride!