Sometimes we know your week is busy. You can’t always give us your rapt attention all week long. We realize that’s a lot to ask. So, while you’re trying to catch up on your ASL goodness today, we’d like to make your job easy by picking out what we think were the gems of the week. And with that…y’all know the drill.

1. Was Al Gore Announcing His Intention To Run For President? Was He Kidding? We’ll Never Know Because Of That Irritating Oscar Orchestra! Damn You, Man With The Stick! – Trying to make an interesting story out of a boring awards show takes cojones and I applaud J.’s effort. Also, I’m going to start using the expression “Damn you, man with the stick!” more in my everyday life.

2. Madonna is Physically Fit – ” Mommy can’t talk to you right now, she’s in the gyrohemoglobinconducer getting her white blood cells stretched.”

3. Foxy Brown Claims Police Brutality, Weave Glue Just Flew Out Of Her Hand And Struck Employees As If By Magic – A friend browsed ASL the other day and assumed I had written the title because according to him, “I thought there are only 3 people that know about weave glue: gays, blacks and Lisa Timmons.” Jay’s title makes it sound like Foxy was doing a really terrifying Mary Poppins impression.

4. Heather Mills Assures Us Her Leg Won’t Be Flying Into The Audience – Because the idea of airborne prosthetic limbs always makes me smile.

5. Anna Nicole To Be Buried – “You can’t hang her upside down and dry her out to make her look pretty. She is not a rose.”