HBO’s Game Of Thrones is getting better and better. Theon is still grappling for power as the douchiest of bags while the incredibly adorable Jon Snow (Kit Harington) is trying not to get sexed up by eager red headed wildlings. Both stories are compelling in their own way.
We are often shown two different types of characters, the admirable and the terrible. All of them are faced with moral and ethical decisions, but most of the terrible falter. Theon just ransacked Winterfell and now he is on the hunt for the crippled Bran Stark and his little brother.
The trouble is that Theon isn’t respected. Master Luwin plants the boys’ scent for the hound dogs and Theon falls for the prank faster than he did for Osha’s naked prowess.
The virgin Jon Snow has bigger problems, at least in the morning when he is cuddling with a chick. Ygritte is a redheaded mind ninja and when she realizes Jon has never made love to a woman, she is all about tempting him and torturing him with her vuh-jay-jay. Gross. Jon Snow is able to stand by his oath, but Ygritte leads him into a Wildling trap. His men have yet to show and Ghost the direwolf hasn’t caught up either.
At Harrenhal, Arya has created a real cluster cuss for the soldiers because she wanted to read a tiny piece of parchment. Tywin is hanging men until he finds the one who betrayed him. Tywin also invites her to sit at his table and they talk of the Targaryen dragon legends. Arya knows much more than a commoner should about the old legends, the names of the female warriors as well as their dragons. She also calls Tywin “My Lord” rather than the commoner’s way, “M’Lord”. The jig is up for Arya, but Tywin seems to like her for now.
Sansa thanks the Hound for saving her from rape, but is really freaked out when he tells her that he enjoys killing. Yet he tells her that she will be grateful for his love of murder when, “you’re queen, and I’m all that stands between you and your beloved king”. Does that mean the Hound hates Joffrey as much as the rest of us? Sweet.
Sansa also has some inconvenient ‘girl time’ and becomes a woman. She tries to hide the bloody sheets, but everyone finds out and Cersei (Lena Headey) congratulates her on the ability to now bear princes and princesses. And you thought your first period was embarrassing! Cersei also says something very interesting to Sansa. She tells her to love her children and only her children, because when you love anyone else they will betray you and make you weak. Sansa asks if she should love Joffrey, but now even Cersei realizes her son is the worst of little shits.
Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) is worried about King’s Landing being safe from attack by Stannis Baratheon and tells Cersei that Joffrey sucks balls at being King. She actually acknowledges this and Tyrion feels badly, telling her that her other kids are cool. She also openly talks about boning their brother Jaimie. No big deal.
Speaking of Jaimie-wind-in-his-hair-charming, he is super locked up in jail and he totally chokes a couple of bitches to escape. But the dude is caught again and everyone in Rob Stark’s camp wants to kill him. Catelyn is there with her new badass best friend Brienne and Rob is away at Crag, making people surrender and getting medical supplies for his lady friend. Has anyone else noticed that Rob Stark is the blonde haired, blue eyed resemblance of brown eyed Jon Snow? This was no casting accident. I’ll take one of each please.
However, fanboys of this series know that Jon Snow’s origin is still unclear. He is supposedly the bastard son of Ned Stark and the half brother of Rob, but there are rumors that he may be connected to royal blood and that Ned took him on as his son as a ruse. The plot thickens. Catelyn has to endure Jaimie insulting her by mentioning Ned’s indiscretions and his bastard son. Not cool dude.
At Quarth, Dany (Emilia Clarke) is all up in arms about her dragons getting stolen. If that hot older dude Jorah looks at her with ‘I wanna make sweet hot love to you’ eyes any harder I might die from the sexual tension. Just freaking bone already please!? Turns out that Xaro betrayed her all along and enlisted ghosty creepy black eyeliner dude to help him take over Quarth. This means that Dany, Jorah, and the one remaining Dothraki dude are in deep shit. All of the Quarth council get the old wind-pipe-knife-slice by Pyat’s peeps and Dany’s camp drops the mic on that shit show. Pyat tells her to go see her dragons in the House of the Undying, meaning the creeptastic place he is from.
Cut back to Winterfell and Theon being a major douchebag still. He’s like, “Oh yeah, don’t freaking defy me or else” and then he turns around to see two little boys’ sized burnt crispy bodies hanging from ropes. It was almost as traumatizing as the deaths of Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle over a couple of droids. It seems as if Bran and his little brother are dead and now Theon realizes how effed up this whole mess is. But he will probably keep being an idiot, so whatever.