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This story is but a trifle, but I like imagining Jake in his skivvies. He does sound kinda weird, though. And tighty-whities? Ugh, blech, eww. Stop. But he can be my Zodiac Killer anyday.

Jake Gyllenhaal is way beyond the simple choice of boxers vs. briefs. A shopper in Bloomingdale’s underwear department recently watched the “Brokeback Mountain” star with a salesman “combing through every style . . . A good 10 minutes later, Jake was still at it . . . holding up a pair of tight white briefs that he’d pulled out of the package to examine, as if he’d never seen tighty whities before in his entire life. It was hilarious. He looked very confused and had a furrowed brow . . . He was examining undies like an anthropologist in the city’s most highly trafficked department store.”

Maybe they were so ugly that he was just stricken with awe. Like they had too many pee holes or something. No one uses those things unless unless they’re twerking with excess. And if you are, blow up my cell.