Open your windows, turn on a fan, pour a drink over your head – cause the ladies of Hotlanta are back! Yes, that’s right. The Real Housewives of Atlanta have returned!
And episode one of season 3 did not disappoint.
Read my full recap after the jump!
Act 1: New Beginnings, New Noses
Let’s just address the nose. Even in the new credits, Nene’s new nose is on display. It’s so weird to watch the segments and then it cut back to interviews and sometimes Nene has a new nose, sometimes she has her old nose. (Cue “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…) Also noteworthy from the credits: When did Sheree get another kid?
The episode opens up with a scene from a Tyler Perry movie…oh, no, wait…it was watching Sheree inviting an acting troupe to her house to work on acting. Because she wants to BE IN a Tyler Perry movie…ah, now I get it. Mind you, she’s wearing a ‘She by Sheree’ shirt.
And in comes Nene with some mess. And we get to the ‘Kim is a lesbian’ drama right away! They called it like it is – a media whore at work. She and Tracy Young had their moment, but Kim rode it all the way to…Life & Style!Speaking of Kim, Nene invites her over to settle the feud, and by feud I mean that time Nene strangled Kim. Allegedly. And despite trying the fish tacos, Kim is still boning Big Poppa.
We learn that Nene and Greg are basically dunzo and putting on a show…for who, I’m not sure. Turns out Greg’s biz is busted and Nene is the breadwinner.And then speaking of noses, Nene lays the ish out on Dwayne and his resemblance to Michael Jackson‘s nose.
Act 2: Don’t Be Kandi-Coating Ish!
Here’s why I love Kandi, because she calls Kim out on her jacked up wig in her own damn house. Absolutely love it. And the fact that she calls bullshit on her relationship with Nene, it’s delightful. And Kim looks so orange…and was in a robe for Kandi’s entire visit? Oh, heifer.
My favorite scene was watching Kim put butter on crackers. And I love that her daughter is a mess. And stuffs her face…just like her mama.
Act 3: Southern Belles Don’t Wear Cubix
Phaedra and her big pregnant self. Um, southern belle’s don’t wear shirts with big fake jewels on them while gardening, do they? Much less do their own gardening. How…common. By the way, she and Nene knew each other, what with both of them being from Athens, GA. Meaning there is built-in drama just prime for the picking!
She’s an ‘attorney to the stars.’ First of all, showing pictures of yourself with famous people doesn’t make you famous. And second, I love that she’s Dwight’s lawyer. And his house is delightful, with the male busts everywhere. And he spent $30,000 on Sheree’s event? And then I realize that Dwight is a more coiffed version of Antoine Dodson.
Act 4: High-Heel Shoedown
The return of Lawrence!
Oh, Lawrence…in your see-thru shirt, red nails, et al. And Sheree puts Dwight on blast about that $30K.
And raise a glass to all the stunt queens in your life.
The limo scene is absolutely tragic – both Kim and Nene’s makeup is shit. And it’s clear there’s no going back with Greg and Nene, so what is the point of their marriage? Bless Nene for cutting her check right there on her leg in the car, like me on the way to pay my electric bill.
Alas, we get to the shoe party! While Sheree starts the night off with shitting on the shoes, then we get Nene going OFF on Dwight and chasing him around the room, and her cut-away scene of saying how she thought Phaedra was a plain Jane – amay-may.
Act 6: ‘Watch Yo Hands!’
I love that these women just ruin events wherever they go. More surprising is that they are invited to attend any events within the city limits. And Dwight ripping Nene’s check? Worth more than the $500 itself. Nene chases Dwight around the room, gets in his face, acts like herself. Cut to Kim drunk on the street patting her wig down on her head. And Dwight then returning to the party and giving his public apology and his ‘I am a tiger’ speech. No, bitch, you are a tabby cat.
One-Liner Of The Night Award: Kim – “I’ve been chasing dick since I left the womb.”
Until next week, peaches…
PS: Can I tell you how I loved all the advertising geared toward African American women? It was every commercial that you would never see during Flipping Out.