By J. Harvey

Previously – Sean made the mistake of his life, by playing kissy face with sociopath Eden. Ok, not exactly THE mistake of his life. Well, ONE of the mistakes of his life. I do recall a nanny that was conveniently run down in the street. Julia had doubts about being openly gay. Eden revealed to Sean and Olivia that Christian had slept with Julia, but then she lied to Sean that she lied. I can’t keep track. Oh and Matt and Kimber decided to kick meth with Xenu’s help

Eden and Sean get after it. In a big ole’ way. To Lil’ Mama’s lip-gloss song. We shall never be allowed to forget that Sean’s actually a big mo’. Sex to Lil’ Mama? They do it everywhere – the beach house, the office, you name it. I guess she lost her frontal v-card. They sit in the hot tub, and Eden says it was inevitable and just a matter of time before she got the stick out of his ass. No, that’s the buttplug that Christian placed there. Eden gets her skank out of the hot tub and gets ready for a night on the town. Alone. Sean offers to go along and is all “don’t you want me to?” Oh you sad, sad man. Eden declares “we’re done here” (use that on your next one night stand!) and says clinginess is typical after sex with older guys. Sean is actually into this crazy puta and declares they have chemistry. She reveals that she likes sex with older men, and it’s a Daddy thing, and he’s hot for his age. Oh, and it’s even hotter because he used to screw Julia. I’m not seeing Eden as the white picket fence type. I’m seeing her as the trophy wife to the rich guy and constantly screwing the staff – both male and female. And raising her own minks to slaughter with her own bare hands for coats. She ends it by saying “I don’t date guys with gray pubes”. Wince. Cringe.

More Nip/Tuck, after the jump.

Oh oh, it’s confrontation time with the Methersons. Christian and Sean are up in Kimber and Matt’s faces. Christian calls her a lying bitch. This must be the Nip/Tuck version of an intervention. Kimber and Matt are looking fried, frizzled and breaded. But still, probably the most interesting they’ve been. At least since we found out Matt’s into trannies. Sean and Christian are peeved because they’ve been taking their money to buy drugs and putting their granddaughter in danger. Christian notes that meth can have terrible effects on your brain. Yeah, go to a gay club some night. It ain’t pretty. Kimber tells them that they’re on some Scientology wonder drug called Promeda that is helping them over meth and they’ve been clean for three weeks. Uh, they don’t look it. Does she mean their clothes?

Sean tells them that they still have an 80% chance of relapsing. Thanks D.A.R.E. cop. Did Sean and Christian have the pamphlets handy just for very occasion? Why would they have this knowledge ready to spring? Kimber says she’s fighting it together with Matt. Christian’s like, we know you want cash. And Kimber’s like I have sores all over my arms and I’ve aged ten years. How does she not talk everyday about the Carver reversing her plastic surgeries without anesthesia? That’s the only reason I would need for being junked out. “You lied to me, you stole my money, and you tried to sell the baby for drugs!” “Your serial-mutlilator penis-less colleague and his incestuous sister kidnapped me from my own wedding and kept me prisoner and reversed every single plastic surgery I ever had without anesthesia and then mailed my breast implants to you.” “Uh, ok. Well I guess I can buy the baby back.”

Matt and Kimber reveal that Kimber plans to model, and Matt will manage her. Christian helpfully informs Christian that her face looks like a “fraternity couch”. Jesus, he should write this column. Kimber wants MacNamara/Troy to “freshen her looks” as she is a “commodity” and a “product”. Four seasons ago, maybe. Christian remarks that she’s “Crackwhore” magazine’s next centerfold. Where can I get a subscription to that?!? Christmas time is coming! Matt is kind of simpering and is like see us for what we’ve overcome. No one’s impressed. Christian recommends Tijuana for plastic surgery, working at Wendy’s for money, and a letter to Oprah for sympathy, that last part is wrong, I’ve never found Oprah to be that sympathetic. The granddaughter will want for nothing, and Christian tells them to use the backdoor. It’s how they take out the trash. Can they be my drug counselors?

Christian says that he’s through enabling Matt. There’s some mysterious old doctor dude with a weird piece of metal in his chest in their waiting room. He’s an astrophysicist. Used to teach at Harvard. Oh oh, he starts talking about blips from space. Take it away, Christian. He claims he has an alien implant. He’s even wearing a lead vest to “block the signal” so they can’t trace him. He wants it out. Oh, lordy. But this would explain why Matt looks like that. Maybe this guy is connected to his Michael Jacksonness. Sean’s on the set when the hilarious Bradley Cooper beckons him into his trailer. Bradley Cooper is wearing camouflage bikini briefs. I’m into it. The girl he’s currently up in is 18, and Sean feels a spark of recognition. Bradley likes 18 year olds because they’re “tight as a Chinchilla’s ass” (ewww) and don’t have anything to say. We find out that Bradley’s 38??? And has never been under the knife except to get his “dick shortened”. Hardy har. He’s a friggin’ card. He thinks hormones and colonics are the way to go anyway, and that plastic surgery is medieval. Bradley is stretching in his underwear. Wow. Ok. He wants Sean to meet the guy who keeps his hair from graying. Sean, perhaps thinking of his pubes, agrees.

Kimber’s in Christian’s office. She wants Christian inside of her. Christian refers to her vagina as a “cesspool”, AND infers that she has crabs. Ok, he doesn’t infer it, he just says it. Does the actress playing Kimber ever tire of the abuse? Christian throws her out. Or tries to. She’s going back into porn. She threatens to dump Matt if Christian doesn’t do the surgery. Christian agrees but he wants her to sign custody of Jenna (the granddaughter) over to Matt so he can get eventually get her.

Oh oh. Julia and Olivia are walking to the ATM and may I remind you that the writers saw that episode of “Six Feet Under” where David was kidnapped and tortured by a carjacker. And made to do crack! And defecate in an alley! Ugh. And by the way? Always go to the ATM that’s inside. Just a tip. Anyway, I guess they just bought a sex toy and things aren’t going well for them. And Oliva wants to know if Julia is gay or straight and Julia doesn’t want to choose. Julia better start choosing because Portia is young and fresh and Julia’s looking a little like she just went ten rounds with a weed whacker. Damn, condition her hair or something. There’s some weird guy wandering around in the background. And then he rolls up. And sprays spray-paint over the camera on the ATM. And has a gun. And he looks like the kind of Dad who teaches ya how to ride a bike. He tells them that they will be withdrawing all the money they can.

Robber guy has them driving him around. Olivia is freaking and begging to go. Julia is keeping her shit together, though, and it took a gun in her face to make her less wishy washy. He wants them to stop at another ATM. Julia informs them that they’re on ATM #6 and she has a limit on her card. Robber guy, who has shitty country music on, doesn’t believe her. L.A. has a radio station that plays music from like the Kansas carpetbagger dustbowl? The guy notes that they’re girlfriends. Olivia is FREAKING. He asks Julia if “she’s the man”. Oh lordy. Great, robbed and terrorized by godhatesfags.com. He finds the sex toy they bought and makes them pull over. He makes them strip. I do not have it in me to deal with his. Oliva? Freaking. He makes them make out. Then he tells them to use the sex toy on each other. I’m gonna need to watch some Teletubbies after this piece. Julia has my undying gratitude when she kicks it back at him and says “use it on yourself, asshole!” FINALLY SHE GETS MY RESPECT! He tells her that he’s killed people before. Julia screams at him to just do it already. She’s really found the Amazon within. He makes them turn around. And walk. Olivia is doing exactly what I would do if I was terrorized in my bra and panties. Freaking. Wait. Anyway, the guy leaves. Joely Richardson is BUILT by the way. I am seeing new sides to her!

Christian’s giving Kimber her methface rejuvenation surgery. It involves an ice pack and sore removal. Liz notes that Kimber’s still in love with him. Christian isn’t exactly returning those feelings, seeing as he deems Kimber to be a “succubus”. Julia calls and Christian goes down to the stationhouse. Olivia is unenthused by Julia hugging Christian tightly. How does one go from start raving terror to jealousy? I’d be curled up in a corner, sucking my thumb and rocking. The detective wants to do a rape kit, and everyone gets up in arms. Julia insists they weren’t raped, and Christian’s all are you trying to violate them? Christian tells him where to put his rape kit.

Sean and Bradley Cooper are getting their collagen buffed or something. I should try this shit. Sean reveals that he’s seeing a young girl and Bradley wonder if she’s underage and says he knows a guy who can get a doctored birth certificate. That’s nice. I’m calling the cops. Sean reveals that she’s his ex-wife’s girlfriend’s daughter. Bradley Cooper says guilt will age you. They get IV’s. This is some severe shit. Where do I get this stuff? Bradley Cooper enthuses about dating 18 year olds. And tells Sean Eden’s over him because he showed that he cared. And he invites him to his Satan party. There will be cocaine and young girls.

Sean joins Christian in surgery with alien guy. No one says anything about how Julia was kidnapped. That’s nice. Christian’s obviously jealous of Sean’s new boyfriend. Why does Sean tell Christian ANYTHING about his personal life? Christian asks if they were jerking each other off and waxing their vaginas. He’s conflicted about the fantasy he’s having, obviously. Christian tells Sean about the carjacking. Sean’s annoyed that she didn’t call him. The alien implant is removed, and everyone checks it out. Liz recognizes it from an alien abduction website. What is she doing with her free time? The same thing I am – Wikipedia is totally addictive. Christian notes why she’s single. The implant moves on its own.

Julia is dressed like Emma Peel and takes Christian and Sean to a gun shop. Oh here we go. Sean doesn’t agree with it but Christian notes that he was the same when he was attacked. By the Carver? Ok. Why is the gun shop owner wearing just a wife beater? Judging by his body, I wouldn’t say it’s helping sales. The three of them argue over Julia buying a gun. Isn’t there a waiting period? Julia just gets it. California gun laws are fun.

Kimber is watching her old porn. Then she gets made up. Is that Christian in the movie? Then goes to shoplift a fugly fur jacket. Then she goes to bang John Schneider. Bo Duke! Kimber gets a lot done in a day. If you’re doing porn, do you HAVE to sleep with the producer?

Alien guy’s daughter tells them that he’s a nursing home escapee and delusional. She has brought white coated orderlies. Supposedly the “implant” is just a kind of Lojack for wandering oldies. That’s a little sick. Don’t they do that with dogs nowadays? And now people? Old alien guy says that she isn’t his daughter, his real daughter is fat. To prove that he isn’t crazy he shouts that the Celtics are good again as he’s dragged off screaming.

Bradley Cooper’s Satan party is hot. Bradley Cooper is trying to break-dance and acting like an idiot. There are fire eaters. And a lot of whores doing the cocainya. Eden shows up. Bradley Cooper has Sean loosen up to win her affections. So cut to him wearing sunglasses, devil’s ears and playing strip quarters with underage girls. This is pathetic, yet sort of cute. Eden is annoyed because Sean is acting like he doesn’t care about her. So despite being a sadistic whore, she’s easily manipulated. She pursues him to the bar, and sends some other slut packing. This party looks hot, except I’m Irish so I don’t look good in red.

Julia and Christian are flirting at the gun range. Let me tell you about the gun range. There’s no time for flirting because there’s incredibly loud gunshots going off that make your insides go “whoa”. Yes, J. Harvey has shot a gun before. It’s nauseating and exhilarating at the same time. Julia notes that Olivia is acting like the attack never happened. Christian notes that he’d be in denial too if he lost his shit like that during the carjacking. Julia admits she was surprised by how Oliva fell apart. I wasn’t. Damn, are these people made of ice? If some asshole went up on me with a gun and kidnapped me, I’d probably wet em’. And then use my hot ass to try and escape! Well, maybe I would use my hot ass before I wet em’. Christian shows her how to shoot. They flirt some more. He’s teaching her how to shoot by dry-humping her, really. This is not how the instructor taught me. He was an elementary school teacher/weekend soldier of fortune. I don’t think he was into dry-humping as part of his teaching plan.

Matt comes home to Kimber’s packed suitcase. This is going to be a rough scene. Kimber mocks Matt, and informs him that Christian did the surgery so she’d dump him. She tells him he’s pathetic for loving her. He notes that she has new earrings to go with her stolen fur jacket. What animal is that? Anteater? Kimber notes that Bo Duke gave her the earrings. Matt realizes that she will basically spread for chewing gum. Kimber admits she slept with him and says it was the first time that she’s come to fruition in months. Matt wallops her one. She leaves and she’s taking the baby to stay with Busty or Chesty in the porn star nursery. She also notes that she never loved him and lied about saying it. Matt ends up crying in their nasty apartment. Dude, she’s a porn star. Not Betty Crocker.

Sean is banging Eden in front of some crazy filmed smoke projection. This is an elaborate ass party. Is that a fur blanket? Oh, and they’ve been doing E. Suddenly Sean is having a heart attack. HAH! I like his hairy thighs. Julia and Christian show up at the ER. He’s so cute in his gurney. He had an adverse reaction to Ecstasy. That Eden gave him. Julia is the opposite of thrilled. Sean says they’re having an “affair, sort of”. I’m not sure that’s what you would call an affair. Julia is FLIPPING. And she mentions the fact that this is another underage girl. So she knows about the nanny? I thought that died with her! Julia thinks it’s all about her. Sean has a monologue about how he’s old. Very very old. Christian doesn’t need to hear about “the spiritual benefits of young pussy”. I would have kept going to church if they discussed that! Sean sorta starts crying, and Christian says it’s ok. Not too sure if Julia feels that way.

Oh, and get this one. Julia now owns a gun and she’s going to see Eden. Eden, you in danger, girl! Julia needs to talk. Eden tells her to see a shrink. Julia smacks the tanning lotion out of her hand, calls her a bitch, and tells her to stay away from Sean. She then calls Eden a stupid whore. GO JULIA. Eden remarks that she has a certain youthfulness and tightness that Julia can’t give Sean. Julia friggin’ grabs her face (GO JULIA) and tells her that she will talk her mother into sending her to reform school and basically wins that argument as Terror Teen is shaking.

Alien guy’s real daughter shows up. The fat one? They’re kinda screwed. Matt is in the office to confront Christian. He looks like the end of “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson is frozen in the topiary maze. That shot always scared the snot out of me as a kid. Matt screams that Kimber took Jenna. And he can’t even see her. Christian’s response is to hurl coffee at him and kick him out, telling him to grow up. He also refers to him as a “weasely little bitch”, Ouch, Dad.

Julia shows up to bang Christian. And Bonnie Tyler is playing? For real? Matt is making his own meth at home. You can tell he’s in crisis because he has his shirt buttoned all the way up to his collar. It’s flannel. That’s hitting bottom unless you’re a gangsta. And he ends up burning his apartment down. And setting himself on fire. Butterfingers! This show just jumped the shark. He extinguishes himself by leaping in the apartment complex pool. Where he’s floating. And cut!

Next – Julia tries to get baby Jenna back at Kimber’s Xmas porn party, Eden poisons Julia, and will Sean discover Julia and Sean are banging? Oh, and there’s some crispy carolers. Ho ho ho!