By J. Harvey

Previously – Liz got her kidney swiped, Matt wants him some Kimber, and Larry Hagman knows all about Christian and Michelle.

Christian and Sean banter in the OR and Liz is sweaty. And she’s down. Basically, Liz got strep throat and it wrecked her remaining kidney. Shit. SHIT. Can this happen to me? God, I’ve had strep throat. My hypochondriac needle is jumping! Oh, and she needs to go on dialysis which takes SIX hours a day. That’s a lot of magazine reading. And she’s like three PI jillionth on the donor list. Ugh. Liz’s one remaining relative is her Mom who banned her from her Dad’s funeral because she’s a dyke. Now THAT’s a parent. Christian volunteers himself and Sean to get tested. Sean’s like uh hold the phone, ya big homo.

Meanwhile, Larry Hagman is watching Christian foul Michelle on their dining room table. Ugh. No one involved wants to be there. This is all Brooke Shields’ doing. Christian splits because he’s sick of being a “dildo”. And Michelle chases him, and she’s wearing this like lingerie made of black ribbons and it’s very attractive. I’m not going over or anything, but she looks good. Anyway, we find out Larry Hagman had bought Michelle’s Mom a house and gave her sisters jobs and she’s indebted to him which is why she’s putting up with the whore treatment. Michelle asks him not to make waves, and she can get them out of this. And Christian’s like I’m not a whore (oh really?) and tell Larry he can fire me. And he’s out of there in that really ugly Lamborghini. But he’s hot while driving it, so it’s a wash.

More of J. Harvey’s “Nip/Tuck” recap after the jump.

Rosie O’Donnell is back in the office, and she’s wearing a pink cowboy hat and a “Bitch” t-shirt which is what I think my boyfriend feels my soul self is dressed like. We find out that she got her ear stolen. Because it had a diamond earring on it. By two thieves with a straight razor on a motorcycle who surprisingly weren’t Jackie Bissette and Michelle. Because you know that’s next. You know Jackie is an Evil Knievel ear-stealing stunt rider. Rosie and Julian McMahon both look like they are having a lot of fun acting opposite each other. They give me warm feelings of TV joy. Oh, and they’re gonna grow her a new ear.

Matt is giving Kimber a Scientology back rub in the sauna. She’s such a thetan tease, and then has the gall to get pissed when he makes that move. Matt confesses that he’s into her, and she’s like you thought because I f*cked your Dads I would f*ck you too? And well, yeah. Duh. And she’s all I thought you were different and he lays on the whole “I’m spiritual now and I spent the last month picking up garbage”. And she figures out he’s into the Scientology mainly because he wants to visit her own personal Celebrity Center. She kicks him out of her sauna.

Christian and Sean get kidney tested, and Sean’s a match. The tester lady tells Christian that he tests positive for an antibody that only people who have enormous amounts of sex have, and this sounds like the opening to a Penthouse Forum letter. And the tester acts like he might rape her. And we find out that Sean doesn’t want to give up his kidney and the tester lady is all, you don’t have to tell her you’re a match. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go contribute to Christian’s antibodies. And Sean lies to Christian.

Sean and Christian meet with Larry Hagman. And Christian spills about he and Michelle getting found out and having to perform for JR Ewing. And whereas normal people would be like “holy shite, that’s sick”, Sean is like way to destroy the business. They’re so desensitized and jaded. And when they walk in, we find Larry all stroked out. And he wants his facial sag fixed. I don’t want a stroke anytime soon.

Sean and Rosie O’Donnell go to the mad scientist laboratory and the evil homo from this past season’s 24 shows them the MOUSE THAT IS GROWING ROSIE’S NEW EAR OUT OF ITS BACK. Ugh. Double ugh. Anyway, Rosie bonds with her new ear. And tries to talk to the mouse through the ear on its back which he can’t hear through. Heh.

Sean and Christian visit Liz at her dialysis. And she’s all excited but is quickly destroyed when Sean lies to her that they’re both non-matches. Christian offers to call in contacts to get Liz bumped up the donor list and the kid in the next bed is like hold up, bitches! I’ve been tied to this machine for quite long enough thank you and no dyke nurse is cutting me! Liz isn’t having that because all of us homosexuals are beatific saintly people. Yeah, right. The second my sole kidney gives; I am having every queer braniac I know hack into that system and make me #1. Screw anyone that gets in my way. I will push over a grandmother and steal her Lark if I have to.

Christian makes calls anyway. And Nurse Linda, who I found out recently isn’t an actress and is the actual medical consultant for the show, comes in with some test results for Larry Hagman which indicates that he was doing the Viagra the night he had his blood clot. Christian thinks Michelle gave him the pills, and tried to kill him. Apparently, Viagra was a no-no for Larry. Michelle has the temerity to act pissed, and is all I’m not a murderer as she’s packing her bag of knock out drops, scalpels and a cooler to hold the organs she’s going to RIP OUT OF THE NEXT UNSUSPECTING TOURIST. Christian asks Larry who gave him the Viagra and he says he took it himself. And that Michelle’s va-jay-jay was worth it. And Michelle ends it between her and Christian.

Christian shows up at Kimber’s Target location. Seriously, did you watch? Christian’s drunk and looking to get laid. Kimber is channeling Marilyn Monroe. She looks hot. She tells him how Matt came on to her. They discuss Scientology which they’re no longer naming because I’m guessing Ryan Murphy got a cease and desist letter. And Christian wants to get audited by the wacky alien thetan-sensing device. As she goes to get it out, he makes his move. And then he starts finger-banging her. And we get the weird Nip/Tuck scary moment music. And they screw. Post-coital, Christian basically laughs in her face and tells her he never wanted to get audited. And we get a Christian ass shot. And she’s all bullshit because she fell for him again. And she smacks his bitch up. And we close with an unflattering shot of her that makes her look like she’s got junk in the trunk.

Dinner at Casa De I’m So Glad That Bus Hit Night Nurse Monica. Turns out Julia had the whole family tested for kidney donation. And Matt’s a match. Liz is all “the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree” and thanks for the kidney, dude but you can’t. I don’t see anyone falling over themselves to present me with a kidney, but then again I’m not as kind and wise and earth-motherly as Liz. I’m a bitter, vindictive queen without a country. Sean is unhappy about Matt giving up his vital organ to Liz, and Matt says that he has been taking from people all his life and this is how he’s changing that. Scientology is an amazing religion if it compels you to start flinging away your vital organs to people. Kimber’s titters must be an amazing religion as well. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Matt informs Sean and Julia that he will be convalescing at their home. So he was all hoity-toity when he let the thetan-killers kidnap his balding ass from the house, but now he’s all ‘I just gave away an organ that filters wastes from my blood, and now I need to rest my bedpan here’. Cry me a river. F*ck that! Let that redheaded creepy lady who was threatening parental kidnapping nurse you back to lunatic health! Or Tom Cruise!

Rosie is on the operating table, and we get some nauseating close-ups of the mouse with the ear growing out of its back. And it is never a good a time for this kind of David Cronenberg shite. Seriously, I can do without the body horror. My own acne makes me want to puke. Rosie wants to know if she can keep the mouse at ‘Tara Budge” (heh) after the surgery. Unfortunately, the mouse will not survive the surgery and Rosie is all screw it; I want to wear earrings again. A girl after my own heart. Wildlife can take a backseat to my accessories.

Sean fills Christian in on Matt’s kidney swapping. Christian feels that Matt has “balls”, but he will kill him before he lets him do it. Sean tells Christian he was actually a match but lied. He says he doesn’t want to be out of commission for three months when his son’s hands have to be operated on. Yeah, right. Pussy. Christian’s unimpressed.

Meanwhile, at Target…I mean Kimber’s apartment…seriously, it’s all red and white. She’s sleeping beside a display of Issac Mizrahi throw pillows for $11.99 each, and one of those really handy scanners that tells you the price of the item when you can’t find the tag. I love me some Tar-jhay. She’s smashing a picture of Christian when the doorbell rings. Oh yeah, L. Ron Hubbard is really helping. It’s Matt, and he’s there to apologize. Kimber is wearing this white tube top that shows off her nipples. Seriously, her chickens are done. Matt fills her in on the kidney gifting. Kimber tells Matt he’s a “beautiful soul”, and she’s right up in his face. And she goes for the package. She really wants to piss Christian off. None of this shocks me.

Michelle is in the OR during Larry Hagman’s surgery. I am seriously calling the state medical board. She’s making me think I can just roll up on any old surgery and hang out, eating some chips and asking questions. Larry Hagman’s blood pressure drops and he goes into “v-fib” and I’ve watched enough TV to know that isn’t good. And before he hits him with the paddles, and brings him back to life – Christian pauses and meets Michelle’s eyes. And they think about letting him die. But they don’t. I wouldn’t let McNamara/Troy clip my toenails.

Two lesbians bond. Rosie and her rat ear recover in the same room where Liz is getting her dialysis. Rosie wants to know how Liz got people to care about her enough to let her do dialysis at the same place she works at. Liz is all saintly and is like, I know you have people in your life who care about you as much. And Rosie is like, yeah, those bitches showed up when I got paid. They’re giving Dawn Budge (aka Rosie) her own show, so hopefully we get to meet these scrubs and skanks. I’d watch it. Out dyke Rosie is so much more preferable to closeted matron Rosie. Anyway, Rosie has a whole monologue about how she was better off when she was poor and well, bullshit, but we also learn she used to raise ferrets. That’s right, she used to raise ferrets. What in the hell is happening down in Florida with the poor people? Then they hold hands. Rosie and Liz, not the ferrets. If they had ferrets in this episode along with mice with ears growing out of their backs, I’d have to stop watching.

Michelle sets Larry Hagman up at home for recovery and Christian urges her to put him in a nursing home because there’s going to be diaper changing. Amen. I’ve already told my own sainted mother that when the first drop of urine hits the bed, she’s getting whisked away to the nearest Sunnyplains Old Folks Age Castle. Christian thinks she just wants to make sure the will doesn’t change. She’s all, he’s still my husband and she sheds some tears and I might even believe her if I didn’t know she’s running around luxury hotels with Jacqueline Bisset wielding a scalpel and stealing internal organs. Christian’s all, you love me. And they acknowledge that they both thought about letting him die on the table and they make out briefly. What does it matter, Larry’s out of it and probably soiling himself.

Sean and Liz talk about kidneys. Sean fesses up about how his kidney is a match, and Liz is all – “pussy”. She’s thinking he’s one, that’s not a lesbian joke. So he tells her he’s getting his and uh, I hope when my one kidney quits there are this many people offering up theirs for me. Hello? Anyone? Yeah, I thought so. Twats. Anyway, it turns out Rosie’s giving Liz hers. In the OR, Christian and Rosie banter and she ends up spilling it about how Christian banged her Kraft Macaroni & Cheese loving ass. The operating team freezes. Heh. Rosie O’Donnell should write this column. And…scene!

Next – Connor gets his claws operated on and Sean beats the shit out of some kid and his Dad for making fun of him. Oh, and I think Julia samples some little person penis.

Nip/Tuck airs on FX Tuesday nights at 10pm e/p.