From the description that’s been given to Extra of Paris Hilton’s incarceration, jail’s starting to sound an awful lot like punishment to me. Only without my grandmother angrily chasing me around the room just before I scoot under the bed out of reach. The news magazine’s website reports that Hilton has been having trouble sleeping in her cell, which she says is too cold, and that her bedding of no pillow and three small blankets is less than adequate. How do they know? A “snitch” of course. I love it! Someone’s been singing to the papers! It’s so “Chicago.” Somewhere in there, Queen Latifah is receiving sexual favors in exchange for CoverGirl mascara and slices of Domino’s pizza, I just know it.

Extra also spoke with Bijou Phillips, who I guess is a “friend” of hers, since they go to the same parties and clubs sometimes, which I guess means that Bobby Trendy and I are also “friends.” God, something needs to happen to him so I can get interviewed by Extra. Anywho, Phillips said of Hilton’s legal oopsies:

“I think it was all a sort of misunderstanding as far as knowing if she could drive or not. She was told she could. She’s got her head on her shoulders. I think she’ll be fine.”

And then she carefully wiped a tear from her cheek before saying, “Oh yeah, and don’t forget to check out my latest project, ‘Hostel: Part II.’”

Kidding, guys. And by kidding, I mean making all of that last sentence up completely.