By J. Harvey

Previously – Our shadowy lives were brightened when season four began. Designers had to create dresses out of tents full of fabric. Several people were irritating, yet fascinating. A designer named Simone was the anti-ringer – meaning someone the producers chose just so they would have someone to boot off in the first episode. She got booted off right on schedule.

Two things about this season’s opening, gay face Jack does this thing where he says “I’m in, they’re OUT” and makes the most hateful head snap birds flying away hands motion. He looks like Ri-Ri Harvey the night she kicked her Dr. Scholl into our living room ceiling because we were “a pack of assholes”. Some commentators thought I was being a little hard on him last week, but he might be trouble. Something else I’ve noticed – high maintenance Jillian does the worst curtsey I have ever seen in my long history of good manners and movies where Southern belles know how to pay homage with their hoop skirts properly. Why do it if you don’t know how? She puts her gam backwards and doesn’t even get down to the ground. Maybe her culottes were stuck somewhere.

More “Project Runway” recap, after the jump!

Some of the queerfolk chat about how sad it was Simone had to exit. Note Christian isn’t expressing his remorse. Rami Noodles takes this time to say how she understood how a woman would dress much more than Elisa. Well, yeah. Elisa is creating clothes for wood nymphs, and fauns, and sylphs. Those aren’t your traditional women. Elisa is applying the face, and she’s got black ink or powder all up her claw and what in the hell is she using as makeup? Newsprint ink? She tells us that she’s exciting about incorporating what the judges told her into her own “process of creation”. Meaning “thanks for not kicking my ass off, I’ll be sure not to be so damn freaky next time!”.

Designers leave for the next challenge and someone has written “Heidi Is Really Hot” on the chalkboard. Someone’s hoping she watches the dailies and stores that away for future reference. Heidi, please note that no one on the apartment has any kind of liking for vagina. Now if it was Sweet Pea’s crib, you can take it to the bank that she meant it. Designers get to pick models! Tricky Ricky takes Elisa’s model, and he doesn’t care if anyone thinks he’s a bitch. He’s still flailing those weird Fab Five Freddy mesh police-type caps. I want him to put one on a model. It might turn Kors on. When Jillian picks her model, the model does a weak curtsey and now I understand the credits! Tricky Ricky’s model doesn’t get picked, and they give her some applause. Poor bitch. That’s harsh, it’s only the second episode and not only did her original designer dump her – but not even Elisa or Sweet Pea wanted her and that’s womyn power and old dyke extraordinaire, respectively!

The designers have to design an outfit for a pop culture/fashion icon and we get some interview footage of Kelis (Carmen) trying to figure out who it is. “I can’t figure it out!” Well, no, you don’t have x-ray vision and you’re not clairvoyant and no one’s given you any clues, dummy! Damn, the editors needed some time to kill and obviously asked her “who did you think it was, Kelis (Carmen)?” And she had to act enthused yet confused yet curious!

Back in the workroom, designers gather and act all kinds of stupid. “Madonna”, “Britney” and “Snow White” are the guesses. So “not in a million years unless she was promoting an album after the previous one tanked”, “unwilling to leave the numerous Starbuck’s in the Los Angeles area and would refuse the producer’s insistence that she wear panties for sanitary reasons” and “no, that’s not a real person”. Someone yells that Britney needs help, and you’re preaching to choir, lady. Tim enters. There’s suspense. He notes it. It’s F*CKING SARAH JESSICA PARKER! Sorry, I think I’m as excited as they are. Holy shit, that’s some pressure right there. She’s Carrie Bradshaw! And she’s probably thrilled that she gets a break from Patricia Fields for two seconds. This is such a tie-in for the upcoming movie. The designers act like Jesus just rolled in and started that loaves and fishes thing. Chris starts BAWLING. Bawling Bear. I probably would, too. It was a hot show.

Sarah’s challenge is for the designers to create a new two piece look for her new clothing line Bitton. Someone says “yes” and she’s like “oh you’ll do it?” mockingly and don’t rub it in that you’re the be all-end all, Horsey. But let’s pause here for a bitch break. Wouldn’t it have been more prestigious if the designer’s piece had been used in the movie? Seriously, that flick’s going to make bank and interest in the clothes is like 75% of the fun. Sarah talks up her line, “high end”, “affordable sportswear(?)” and “fashion shouldn’t be a luxury, quality shouldn’t be a privilege”. Thanks for the ad. Basically the same rap she gave in the board meeting when she started the line. She’s a fashion saint, healing the badly dressed leper women of the world. Tim lets them know that “Sarah means it” and that the entire outfit must retail for less than $40. So pasties and a thong? Is Sarah dressing the table dancers at Scores now?

Their budget is $15. And this challenge is team-based. The designers will meet with Sarah, and she will choose seven designs. How much more pressure is than designing for coke whore paegant queens and figure skaters? Everyone hates the team idea. Sweet Pea waxes obvious when she says “I love working on teams, I just want to work on a good team”. Sarah passes out “dossiers” about her line. Designers sketch. Sarah Jessica Parker is pressure and people are already feeling it. For real, Tricky Ricky is SOBBING to the camera. Damn, it’s only episode two. How the hell are you going to hold up when it’s down to six of you and Nina Garcia is insulting your penis size?

Time to pitch! Chris is wicked nervous and he’s sorta silent and then goes into fan gushing and to her credit, she’s very gracious. But dude, this ain’t the time, hold it together, dammnit! Sarah is then forced to meet with Elisa, and the smell of doobage must be very thick. Because Elisa is introducing a “polymorphic cape” and Sarah is trying to follow along and ends with “very clever” just to get Crazy out of the room to be able to spray some Oust. Sweet Pea tells Sarah that she doesn’t have enough skirts. Kevin and Sarah chat about buttons or button story or I need to get the volume on my screen vee fixed. And he exits while she’s holding out her hand to shake. And he misses it. Ouch. Guess who won’t be making a cameo in the movie? Christian gets a hug from Sarah, hopefully his hair didn’t impale her in the neck. Tricky Ricky gets quizzed about his wide belt idea, so now we know why his ass was in tears. Marion and his fisherman’s cap offer Sarah a “fitted cape, not Batman” when Sarah questions the potential “tent” qualities. Don’t you be slapping down the fatties, Parker. Carmen name drops herself. She’s sly, I’ll give her that. I’d probably wear a t-shirt with my name and an e-mail address in case she liked my designs. Unfortunately it looks like she’s rockin’ gaucho pants in her design. Denim ones. I’m not Diana Vreeland, but ugh.

Sarah’s very encouraging and says she thinks they all have futures and “she hopes she’s part of them”. Honey, don’t go there! You will have people on your stoop after this taping. Hanging out, reminding you of what you said, and scaring your baby. Christian’s hair-do will scare your baby! She picked Elisa’s morph cape! Kit! VictorYA! Marions’s fitted not Batman cape! Ricky gets to dry his tears! Christian! Rami! Everyone else feels like they just got death row. The winning design’s going to be sold as part of her line. Sarah says see you on the runway, and goes back to the fabulous life that you’ll never have.

Oh christ, Jeffrey has a blog. Hopefully about how he dumped his Mohawk for a model. Marion chooses Steve for his “calm journey”. They’re banging. Victorya picks Kevin. She WANTS to bang. Kit picks Chris. She wants a friend. Rami picks Jillian. Christian picks Carmen. Sweet Pea is freaked by Elisa picking her. I would be, too, she’s batshit bonkers. Sweet Pea’s already lecturing Elisa about finishing her garments. Now focus on her pot smoking and dirty hair. Steven finds Marion’s design to perhaps be overly intricate. So they’ve already banged and ended it. Sweet Pea keeps giving Elisa looks of terror. Especially when the “spit mark” controversy begins. Elisa is using Sweet Pea as a dress form to measure their material, when Sweet Pea notes that the material’s wet. Well, yeah because Elisa used a “spit mark” to mark it. Come again? Yeah, she uses saliva as a measuring tool. This bitch better go back to the Happy Hog Commune, cuz’ that’s not kosher. Sweet Pea crosses herself. Elisa wanted to “imbibe it with energy and essence”. Where’s my gun. First off, she said “imbibe”? Doesn’t that mean to drink? So she’s just saying whatever pops into that opium den she calls a brain. I wish she’d imbibe Clorox. I hate hippies.

Tricky Ricky is STILL crying. You better dry those tears, hustler. This ain’t Sunset Blvd. and your fellow hoes aren’t here to comfort you. Tim has concerns that Christian’s design might be retro, Christian dreamily (but with a slight edge) replies that he thinks it’s perfect. Which causes his teammate Carmen to nervously smile at Tim as if “yeah, sorry, he’s a little cocky”. Tim tells Elisa she’s “cuckoo” and America thanks him. Seriously she’s talking about using methods from the 1900′s and bitch, why would you go backwards through time to your butter churn and lantern light? Elisa isn’t thrilled about being critcized and she knows who she is. Steven has to shoo Marion away from his sewing machine back to his fishing cap/flower shop/ probable serial killer universe so he can finish on time. Steven has a voice like he lives in a tree. But I bet he makes delicious cookies.

Next morning. Women ready themselves. Kit is talkin’ shit about Elisa which has to be the main activity when they’re not working. Hell, it’s mine and I AM working. Kit notes that Elisa’s going to be out today if she doesn’t know how to use a sewing machine. Is THAT what’s going on? Now I get it. She’s using bile and a needle and thread as opposed to this new fangled electricity thing. Jillian’s wearing a thick flowery headband to contain her tresses. Sweet Pea is trying to prepare her and Elisa’s garment and finding knots in the wood, so to speak. “Unacceptable.” True! I’m DYING to see how the “polymorphic cape” works out. Maybe she’ll hit one out of the park. Or maybe it will be some material wrapped around a girl’s head that has no form or function, making everyone feel stupid and cheated. When someone says “polymorphic”, I want some Optimus Prime Transformers shit!

Models enter. Christian informs his model who the judge and what the prize is. Model freaks. I would, too. It’s big, admittedly. Marion’s creation kinda gives his model a bumpy ass. Not good. The fitting is off. Yep. She looks like she’s wearing the dog’s blanket. Tresemme and makeup! Isn’t it fascinating how they use like a SPRAYER to get makeup on these women? Must save time. Sweet Pea is crackin’ me up, as she says that they did good despite her and Elisa being “from different planets”. HAH. She must crack the ladies up in Dykes on Bikes. VictorYA tells her model to do the “stomp walk”, the “power walk”. Like I do when I’m down at the Gap outlet, trying things on. Christian is saying how he thinks his design should win, unless they go with “someone who’s boring”. That was a shot at you, Rami Noodles! Oh, and it’s time!

Heidi’s wearing some speckled mess, and says that Sarah Jessica “may” sell the winning design as part of her line. Wait, “may”? That’s not what Horsey said back in the workroom! Oh, she’s adding clauses now when she thinks back to Elisa’s polymophic cape? Smart girl. Sarah Jessica’s in the house! Sarah’s picking the winner. Again, I stress that I am no fashionista so I’m going by what I see and feel. Jesus, I’m Elisa now.

Kit (with Chris) – Some snug sweater. The beret takes up most of my attention. Heidi looks at the model as she walks by like the model might have farted and Heidi’s warning her not to do it again. Seriously, it’s like “bitch, Sarah Jessica’s here. Act right.”

Elisa (Sweet Pea) – I gotta say, it looks good. The cape is flowy, with a beautiful teal dress underneath. Elisa didn’t need to tell me she was “sweating” in her seat, though. Hand her a towel and a fresh pair.

Rami (Jillian) – KInd of a shapeless looking brown man’s shirt thingy. Ho hum.

Marion (Steven) – looks TOTALLY like what Pam Dawber might wear if she was going out on a date on “Mork & Mindy”. There’s some fringe or something. I’m worried for them. Their model’s name is Cheron. That’s demon sounding.

VictorYA (Kevin) – Chic gray dress with a cute lil’ vest. I like it. I don’t know where you’d wear it, but I like it.

Christian (Carmen) – Uh, it’s a black jacket over a blue dress the same color as Elisa’s. I got the impression that the pieces should appeal to a wide variety of women, and this won’t. The jacket is a little…out there.

Tricky Ricky (Jack) – Simple dress, fushcia almost with a braided belt. Simple, but cute. Seems to be the most wearable thing here for ordinary life that’s beyond NYC. That and Kit’s.

Ok, so VictorYA’s, Christian’s, Marion’s and Elisa’s team are possibly in the shit. Sarah tells Victorya she did a good job. Kevin thanks her. He didn’t say you, bitch. Man, he’s SO self-involved. AND STRAIGHT! Don’t forget straight! VictorYA starts babbling about the racer back to the vest and Kors cuts her ass off with “we liked it”. In other words, shut it! And get rid of that “y”! Sarah tells her that she listened to what she was hoping to see. Kevin AGAIN takes the compliment. You were the help, lady! Sorry, I forgot, you’re straight. No one with that sort of intricate facial hair likes vajay. Nina finds the proportion of Marion’s design awkward. Michael Kors says she looks like Pochahontas and all she needs is a headband and a feather. Sarah Jessica Parker laughs at this racist joke. Bigots. Heidi lets them have it with both barrels. Sarah just thinks being able to see the model’s bra through the armholes is iffy. She signifies “iffy” with a hand motion. Heidi just lets loose with “out of the basement”, “rag” and “dirty”. Like the dog’s blanket!

Sarah and Heidi are into Elisa’s design. Elisa starts shooting herself in the foot by explaining her “polymorphic” design. Just stop talking, Hookah Pipe. Sweet Pea sells her out by explaining to Sarah just how around the bend Elisa is. Elisa shoots herself in the other foot by telling the “spit mark” story. Nina Garcia’s looks when frozen on my DVR are priceless. “Bitch, please” sums them up. Nina has no time for crazy. Heidi is very blunt and says you should not tell people that. Yeah, what she said. Sarah Jessica is cracking up and running her hands through her hair and obviously trying to land that renewal on her Garnier/Fructis contract. Anyway, Elisa gets off with a “the sleeves are stunning” compliment. Take it and shut up, Mountain Girl.

And on to Christian and Carmen. Christian looks ready to cry. When you’re one of four teams called to stay behind and two teams have already been praised – you KNOW you’re in the shit. Christian stands by his look and Nina Garcia pronounces it “fashion 80′s”. Kors then calls it “Addicted to Love”. Well, I can’t recall Robert Palmer emoting in front of that, but whatevs. Christian’s starting to break down, and wants to hear what Sarah has to say. The cocky one doesn’t take well to criticism! His hair is starting to weep as well. She says she thinks it’s more severe in person than it was on paper. Then the Heidi pulls the ultimate bitch move and asks them to choose which one would have to go home. Christian, to his credit, says it’s ok and he told her what to do and she did it. Carmen is crying. Sarah Jessica looks like she doesn’t want to be here for the ugly side of reality TV. Marion chooses himself, and you know they’ll kick off the wall-eyed one and not Kelis or the adrogyny elf. They’re just more interesting looking. When Steven doesn’t immediately say Marion should go, Heidi’s like “are you saying you both should go?” Steven’s not into that.

Judges confer. Sarah thinks Elisa’s cape has “that swing, that American Sportswear appeal”. Do I have it? I hope so. I want swing. Marion’s design gets the shit kicked out of it. Heidi drops the “homeless” bomb at one point. Kors chimes in with “if she was 5’3, she’d look like Cousin It”. I”m picturing that, and laughing. Nina describes Christian’s as “disco 80′s”, which…well, didn’t disco go underground and we ended up with house? Update your timeline, heifer! Kors nails it with “Facts of Life”. Nina laughs, she knows “Facts of Life”? I bet Blair’s her favorite. And probably her reference point for attitude.

Sarah Jessica names VictorYA as the winner. And she confirms the dress WILL be sold in stores. So I guess she was relieved that she actually liked two of the designs and dropped the clause. And also realized that there’s no way that polymorphic cape is going to go for less than 40 chickens. Tree guy and Kelis are in. It’s down to Christian and Marion. Marion’s told his look was “sad”. Christian’s told his look “wasn’t for the everyday woman”. Sarah Jessica hangs her head as if it’s time to kill the turkey for Thanksgiving. Christian’s in. Of course they’re going to pick freaky hair over a fisherman’s cap. Seriously, is that a tear in Sarah Jessica Parker’s eye. No, it’s just a wrinkle. Bitch is getting old!

Next – the most difficult challenge in ProjRun history?!?!