By J. Harvey

YYYAAAAAYYYYYYYY! It’s Christmas! Well, it’s like Christmas! You don’t have to deal with stank relatives unless you invite them over to watch “Project Runway” with you! It’s time, kids! Time for challenges, and back-stabbing and tears! Time for who broke the sewing machine and designers gather round and Nina Garcia making the gas face. Time to make myself a delicious orange Kors and watch the magic happen! Join me, won’t you?

Previously – Recovering junkie and all-around crankcase Jeffrey took the crown. He also took the model. Literally. He ended up splitting with his Mohawked girlfriend for his model Marilinda. And when last seen was designing costumes for the “Bratz” movie. Hey, winning doesn’t mean you’re going to end up in the House of Chanel.

Judging by the credits alone, any sort of hetereosexuality on this show went the way of that crazy Daniel guy who was stalking Heidi and trying to get her into his lingerie. NYC! Rami Kashew nut was born in Jerusalem and has worked with Jessica Alba. The poor bastard. God, imagine trying to fit someone and she keeps whining about how she hates being pretty? At that point, I’d offer her a burlap veil. Hey, it solves your problem, sugar. He shows off a dress he made for the VMAS for her. Chris! Speaking for the gays and friends in the bear community, he’s everyone’s shining star this year. The brother is big, hairy and gay. What’s not to love? He specializes in making clothes for drag queens and theatre productions. He once made a salad dress! I’ll have the blue cheese.

Christian is going to be one of the ones you think you hate this season, but secretly love. He studied in London, he would be androgynous if he didn’t speak and reveal that he has a tiara lodged in his ass and he has this jacked-up asymmetrical hair-don’t that must be all the rage among the hipsters in London. Damn, that’s some crazed hair. It’s very “look at me, I’m special”. And he’s got the personality to match. We learn that he sleeps on the floor at home because he’d rather buy clothes than a bed. I have a friend like that. His fantasy is to be bent over the Premium Denim in Barney’s. No joke. Christian’s going to end up with twink hunchback if he’s not careful. Sleeping on the floor can’t be healthy. Perhaps he can get his former mentor Alexander McQueen to design some sort of drape to put over that hunchback.

Carmen is a DEAD RINGER for hotass singer Kelis of “Milkshake” and “Bossy” fame. I thought it was her and figured maybe her last album didn’t do so well so she’s branching out. She used to be a model and feels that she “brings that to the plate”. The blue plate special? The metal plate in my head? What? Is she misuing an expression? I do that all the time. Jillian shows up and she has a lot of curly hair and looks sort of high maintenance. She’s also wearing a powder blue culotte-jumper thing. Watch her win this mess for wearing that alone. She says she’s “not going home” and she emphasizes each word with a head swing or there’s a fly bothering her. Carmen and Jillian got to their apartment first. As Jillian says she’s going to unpack her stuff because “I don’t want those girls taking my space”, Kit “Pistol” rolls up. I don’t think you already want to be acting shady when someone named “Pistol” is bunking with you. She might have one.

More Project Runway, after the jump

Kevin is sure to let us know that he’s straight. Who asked? Insecure much? He’s pretty hotsy with the hair and the beard and the piercing eyes. This is probably why he’s verifying his sexual determination, the bastard. He comes in with Jack, who is the essence of gym bunny bitchface guy on the veranda in the gay cruise ad in the back of “Instinct”. Jack wishes Kevin luck but then notes that “we’ll probably hate each other by the end of the show”. That was a warning, obviously. In walks Steve. He works at a museum, and he draws and plays church organ(?). In his corny-ass audition video, he’s sketching some naked guy and turns to the camera and says “damn, I wish I could remember this guy’s phone number”. I think the guy’s probably better off, Ron Howard. He tried out before, but only made it this year.

Elisa Jiminez is an “accidental” fashion designer. Truer words have never been spoken. This broad is out in her own parallel dimension. A dimension of shanti, shanti and navel-gazing and bad poetry and Carlos Castenada and trying to haggle down the price of a cup of tea at Starbuck’s as if it was 1974. And probable hairy pits. *shudder* She designs gigantic marionettes and dresses them? Of course she does. This broad is an obvious attempt by the producers to spice things up. She lives an “art lifestyle”. I figured. In quick succession we get Victorya (that’s an annoying spelling and if it’s not self-designated than your parents should have known better), Marion (works in a flower shop), and Ricky (looks like a male hustler). Sweet P is an ageing hippie and the names comes from her former all girl motorcyle club. So she’s a dykeatron. Two years ago she started a business (something involved with girls with big tits and a lot of denim, denim hookers?) that “kinda took off” but “I’m currently out of money for my business”. So your business didn’t take off then, Dyke on Bike! She sees Proj Run as a make it or break it.

Designers take off for Bryant Park. Simone has a some kind of connection or some kind of honesty and for real, she’s so obviously the first one getting kicked off. I’m not even spoiling it for you. For a second, I figured it was male hustler Ricky but no, it’s this Anthropologie-wishful thinking chick. Champs is bubblin’. Marion Lee owns a flower shop in Dallas and makes dresses out of it? He wants out. Jack’s model in his portfolio photos appears to be drag sensation and current “Dirty Sexy Money” co-star Candis Cayne. Cool. Victorya (seriously, drop that “y”, that’s hateful) makes BORING clothes according to her portfolio. She better add some spice. Kit “Pistol” says that Kit “Pistol” is her “Mark Twain”, it’s an alias. And “life is too short to have on a bad outfit”. Judging by the clothes she designs, she’s reporting that from the standpoint of an Adam Ant video. But that’s just me. Ricky was poor as a kid, there were 14. He wanted to dance, made clothes instead. He has his own lingerie line. He’s also this season’s Andre. For real, he’s already crying. Suck it up, Hustler White. Heidi and Tim roll up. Heidi blathers on about Bryant Park, and says “next to me is, Tim Gunn”. Tim says “aw, thank you, Heidi”. She didn’t compliment ya, Briny Tim! Bitch is grateful to no one! She didn’t even thank Seal for the sperm! He’s probably just grateful she acknowledged him. By the way, Tim’s new show is growing on me. He teams up with Veronica Webb to rebuild various people’s sense of style. All I know is that a woman pulled a gingham checked dress out of her closet and he said “Jesus, Auntie Em” and I was in love with him all over again. Tim can do no wrong.

So, just to sum up for you fantastic readers – here’s our contestants:

Christian – twerpy fashion gay
Jack – evil gym bunny gay
Carmen – Kelis
Eliza – out her damn mind hippie aggravating type
Simone – don’t even make the effort, you know she’s gone in 50 minutes.
Kevin – really wants us to know he’s straight
Steven – Ron Howard
Jillian – culottes jumper, high maintenance
Victorya – better switch that “y” for an “i”
Sweet P – lesbian hippie looking for cash
Kit “Pistol” – anyone with an alias better be a damn superhero
Rami – had to deal with Jessica Alba
Chris – bear who knows a lot of drag queens
Marion – quiet, owns flowers shop, probably uses dead bodies as fertilizer
Ricky – cries, male hustler, probably gone in the next episode

Tim says they are the “strongest group ever”. Heidi floats some product placement by asking them if their apartments at Gotham City (where does he get those wonderful toys) are sufficient? No, put my ass up at the Y. Duh. I wish someone took that moment to complain about the beds. The party is over. Do you want to hear about your first challenge? What do you think, dumbass. There are three white tents on the other side of the park and they have to make outfits out of them. Christian’s already complaining. Seriously, love to hate, hate to love. You’ll use the material we tell you to, Ian McCullough’s hairdo! Actually, the tent is CHOCK FULL of $50,000 worth of premium fabrics. Bitches RUN across the grass to yank fabric. Eliza gives Heidi a birthday flower as she runs past. She probably grew it in her vagina. No joke. And poor fat Chris is dead last. He can’t run, he’s pushing four hundred! At the party I was at, he got a couple of “awwwwss” from the audience. No one wants to watch the little fat kid come in dead last. Bitch didn’t, he ended up with the fabric he wanted! So there! Everyone wants this plaid fabric that no one ends up even using. People are greedy, stuffing fabric in their bags like you stuff a Christmas turkey! Eliza Crazybitch starts rubbing incredibly expensive silk chiffon in the grass to add a “natural element”. Nothing more natural than dog shit remnants, crack rock excess, and bugs. Glamorous! People are staring at her “look at me” exercise and wondering what kind of meds she’s on, if any. Probably some St. John’s Wort that she puts in her hoodoo tea.

Parsons! This challenge is about who you are as a designer, Tim Gunn says. And to gives the kiddies some thrillies, he says “make it work” and jets off the hopefully score some beddy bye time with some hot go-go boy. Seriously, when I read that he had his heart broken once and never got involved with another guy again, I was sad for him. He seems like such a nice man. Let’s get Tim laid, and then get his ass a companion! VictorYA finds the challenge of “who are you” to be a philosophical question. Baby, just cut some fabric and save the chit-chat for when you’re all passing the spliff back at the luxurious Gotham apartments. You know Eliza and Sweet Pea together have some good shit.

Ricky was a male cheerleader. Those guys are hot. They’re usually short and built and I love that in a human. Simone likes mixing the old and new. She better mix a resume soon because her ass is Audi. Rami loves to drape, and likes feminine but edgy. Eliza is HACKING up her fabric. She’s creating a “cascade” of a dress. And using herself as the dress form. She better make a straightjacket because her elevator isn’t making it to the top floor! She’s touched. Eliza also gets her own “dopey cosmic bitch” music indicating that she’s round the bend. Christian comments that she’s a “rain goddess woman” and “spiritual and in the Himalayan mountains” and “a little strange”. Right. Jillian is so fully in love with herself that she probably has a locket with her own picture on both sides. She likes bright colors but it also has to be sophisticated. If I was at a dinner party with her, I’d ask for ground glass in my salad to spare myself the pain. Kit “Pistol” fears the judges will be confused by her. Steven says he likes classic and pared-down. Carmen mentions that Jack’s a superhero and he looks like one, too. Wrong tree, Kelis. Rami gets Tim’s approval. Christian feels that so many other designers do what Rami’s doing, and his big hair is getting frizzy from the jealousy.

Christian’s jacket isn’t equal in the sleeves. Christian’s a cocky little bitch. Simone likes her color contrast. Tim thinks she has a lot of work to do. Don’t even bother, honey. Eliza shows Tim her dragon ass dress. Tim asks if it will work, Eliza replies that in the past “it’s kind of worked”. Question: it’s the first show, you really wanna twerk something that’s “kind of” worked, Janice from the Muppets? Eliza goes to have a nap. Damn. Her dress is kinda ok in front and hacked up dragon ass in the back. Designers finish up, and everyone is hating on Eliza for sleeping the last two hours.

By the way? Santino has a blog this season. Hot. Andreeeeeeeeeeee! His blog will be here alongside Nina Garcia’s. Which should be about eating babies and hating most fashion.

Rami Noodles, Chris and Christian laugh about how they’re finished and the rest of these losers are broke-ass. Christian looks like a wet teenage girl shivering in a rain squall when his hair isn’t dry. Eliza does some sort of Tai Chi maneuvers. But you knew that. Simone says it’s a high pressure situation today as everyone is finishing their garment. Tim wants the designers to gather round. He wants them to knock the judges socks off. They should award anyone who manages to make Nina Garcia smile. Tim pushes the Bluefly.com accessories wall very gracefully. Steven says it’s freakout time, ladies and gentleman. Seriously, put that corn in the microvave and pop it for me, Opie. Models show up. Eliza needs to HAND-MEASURE her model? Oh really? Is that what they’re teaching at fashion schook nowadays? What’s next – a papsmear to determine inseam? You better quit it, Eliza. Christian’s model loves her outfit, and Christian tells us he loves it as well. You can’t knock his confidence, and still less annoying than Jay from Season 1. Where’s that growth gone to? Models get Tresemmed and Lorealed. I got Tresemmed at that party via free champagne, let me tell ya. I’m surprised I wasn’t sloppily asking Tresemme PR chicks for free volumizer for my crewcut.

Simone stitches her model into the dress. Ricky just wants to get this “f*cking going”. Which is what his older male clients usually say to him. Shockingly, Eliza’s model can’t walk in her dragon ass dress. Eliza uses words like “sculptural” and “intuitively” and tends to give long explanations for why she does things. Good vocab, bad grasp of reality. She tells us that she has decided against hacking fabric off so her model can actually walk without wading through the silken sea. Poor girl. Christian and his model discuss everyone else’s designs and he says that he thinks there’s some “hand-sewn crap up in here”. There’s a kitty with claws hiding in that hairdo, apparently! Tim enters. It’s time!

Heidi gives her “one day you’re in, next day you’re out” speech. The swag this year is 100K to start your own line, being able to sell your line on Bluefly.com, the Saturn Astra and an autographed photo of Nina Garcia. Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and guest Monique Lhullier or Lilliput or some shit. Ricky actually waves to Nina. Dude, pray you get that hand back. And on with the show. You know me, I don’t know about fashion so I’m just gonna wing this with brief descriptions. Then I’m off to Old Navy – they’re having a $20 jeans sale! Jesus, I’m sad.

Eliza – dragon ass dress, ,model can’t walk in it. Ouch.
Chris – drag queen purple and gold
Kevin – metallic shorty dress, we get it, you like chick’s legs.
Sweet Pea – “happy dress”? She calls it “her baby”. Hopefully you’ll have many more
Simone – going home
Jillian – Hot flower looking dress.
Christian – edgy couture plaid thingy
Victorya – black dress. gold flower. yep.
Rami – flowy gray Greek goddess looking deal
Ricky – baby doll. silver. I’m bored
Jack – black and white print with turquoise trim that looks very professional like something you’d see at Bananna
Marion – black, gauzy, kinda just hacked up and throw on
Steven – kinda hot black business suit, he’s got a really weird smile, ok, thats not part of his outfit but it needs to be reported on
Carmen – some kinda bullfighter’s jacket thing. Toro!
Kit “Pistol” – Patches of fabric stuck together with what looks like a rosary coming from her armpit. Goody two goody two goody goody two shoes!

A bunch of designers get a pass and are still in it. Ricky, Victorya, Simone, Rami, Christian, and Eliza are left. It’s the highest and the lowest scoring designers. So Simone, Eliza and Tricky Ricky are screwed. Designers are interrogated as to why they suck so much and what the hell they were thinking. Monique tells us volume is in and she likes Christian’s. For the most part the designers like Christian’s. Nina always has something stank to say so she thinks his fabrics are boring. Heidi says it grows on her and Christian replies “good, it should”. Easy there, New Romantic. Rami gives him the side-eye and they are so setting these two up to be the main competitors. Can someone just send Simone home now. Don’t hurt her anymore than she’s hurt herself. Nina grills Simone about the dress construction. I can’t tell if Ricky wants to cry for Simone or if he’s laughing at her. Rami gets good marks, but is told his breast flower is a little mother of the bride. Mom it’s my wedding and it’s my day and what I say goes! Michael Kors has always wanted to be able to say that. Tricky Ricky’s babydoll is boring. His hats are more entertaining. Victorya’s model can’t lift her arms but Kors knows women (himself) who are willing to bleed (himself) if the dress is fabulous enough (himself).

Eliza gives a damn paragraph when asked what her dress is all about, complete with hand motions around her head as if demons are stressing her out. Nina is stank and “confused”. I love how they keep cutting to the judges giving Eliza wary looks as if she might break the hell out and attack someone. The judges watch in glee as Eliza has to carry her model’s dragon ass train. Judges judge. Heidi actually sort of sticks up for Simone. Nina and Michael are ready to drag her out back behind the chemical sheds and put some rounds in her. Eliza’s model is said to have looked like she was “pooing fabric”. That’s downright nasty and obviously the title of this recap. Ricky’s dress is wellmade but not good enough. Simone might as well call a cab. Rami Noodles Cashew Nut for the win and you know Christian’s hairdo is wilting in jealousy. Seagulls flock out of it in sadness. Eliza survives and doesn’t even bother to give Simone a hug. She’s like “latah, bitch! I got some yoga to do!” Oh then she gives her a hug backstage. Way to wreck it, Eliza. Bye Simone. You’ll always have Tazo tea or whatever it is you’re into.

Next – this season looks to be bitchy with just a sprinkle of tragic. Just the way I like it. Christian: “People will get bitchy. I know I will”. Yummers! Jillian: “Do I hear another word coming out of your mouth? I don’t think so.” Mmmm Mmmm good. Ricky to Victorya: “Sometimes it’s better not to fight about it and to go with it.” Victorya to Ricky: “You know, I don’t believe that.” Melts in your mouth! Stay tuned.