By J. Harvey
Previously – Fashion bear Chris was tossed off for creating a jacket that looked sort of like the model was wearing a couch and Tricky Ricky’s tears ran down the front of VictorYA’s implacable bitchery.
Morning. The inevitable “too bad, so sad” sunrise reflection about Chris being gone. Jillian’s twerkin’ a pink hoodie and looking like a Cheetah Girl. Sweet Pea ruminates on Chris for the five seconds she’s allotted then gathers her tattoos for the long day ahead. Then she’s crying a little bit. Sweet Pea seems real. Her lesbionic highway momma energy brings something this season. Cut to the men’s apartment where Jack is talking about the fact that he has a skin staph infection. Ouch. This makes your face swell up and look like the Joker. Well, the he already looks like the Joker, but the Joker after having been punched in the face by Batman. Repeatedly. For someone who seems to take really good care of himself (gay gym bunny), this has to be torture to go on national television with a wrecked face. I feel for him.
Model time! Rami starts laughing as the usual models don’t appear – instead we’re faced with middle-aged women in ill-fitting garments. When first noting the unusual silhouette behind the famous ProjRun screen, Sweet Pea notes that she thought it was a “a crazy fairy princess or transvestites or something”. First off – same thing. Secondly – who takes the long way around by dropping “transvestites”? She sounds like the midnight booking captain at the 42nd precinct.
More ProjRun, after the jump!
Steven says he was thinking these are people’s sisters or mothers or something. But he doesn’t recognize any of them. Steven’s inane and lives in a tree. Actually no, he’s the guy in Biology that you want as a lab partner because his awkward goofiness usually translates into knowing what he’s doing when it comes to boring stuff like Biology. But you have to endure him making stupid jokes and making horking sounds when he tries to dislodge phlegm. Except gay. That’s Steven.
The women turn out to be ladies who have lost a ton of weight and are wearing clothes that no longer fit them. Victorya gives a look like I’D never let myself get that fat. She’s such a bitch, that VictorYA. We meet the women, who are wearing their favorite outfits before they slimmed down. Judging by the outfits, Lane Bryant needs to step it up! The women all recite how much weight they’ve lost. GO GIRLS. The designers have to design a brand new look using the women’s favorite outfits. I see a wedding dress so I’m already nervous. My favorite lady is Alicia because she seems shy but the outfit she’s wearing is kinda kickin’ and she lost a 160 lbs.! Go Alicia! Christian reliably says, “oh my god, I’m going to die” and talks about how this is not him at all. I know people think he’s annoying but I need a Christian doll with a pull string that says that.
Steven gets the lady in the wedding dress. Sorry, Pocket Protector. Fashion bear Chris left a lovely note referencing the “Wizard of Oz” on his dress form and calling Tim Gunn a “guardian angel”. He’s all class, that one. If I’m ever in New York City and in a bear bar, I need to roll up and say hi. Sweet Pea tears up. The “models’ come in. Victorya is interrogating her model, and already intimidating the woman. I might hate Victorya. She says that the women aren’t “ideal model size” and that these are “kind of normal women”. Kind of? What’s wrong with her? Does she come from Petite Town where everyone falls over in a high wind? Shut it, VictorYA. Kevin, who’s straight by the way and I’m sure he’s told his model that, gets cuter with every episode. He’s not going to win, but if he wants to do some sort of ProjRun scantily clad calendar – I’m in. Elisa is trying to communicate with her model via intricate hand signals and syncopated movements as if this is Borneo. Christian is basically tell his model that she’s about to look like Whoville after the gays moved in. Christian’s model is a howl and says she only wears black with long sleeves and jeans. That’s it. No prints, dresses, tank tops, skirts or smiles. Good luck, pocket gay!
Steven is stuck with wedding dress lady and looks like he’s ready to kill the chick for choosing her wedding dress. Designers run around Mood. Steven’s ready to fall over like he did on the playground. Jack’s lip is well, Jacked up, and he explains that anyone can get what he got and it doesn’t have anything to do with his HIV. God, the poor guy. He tells Sweet Pea that he might have to leave if he undergoes the usual treatment for it. God, does it involve lancing? Yikes! Jack talks to his doctor and it looks like he has to go. Oh man. He conferences with Tim outside. And then they announce that he’s leaving. He’s REALLY upset. And I am, too. Great, now I have to feel something. Screw you, Jack. The designers are all tearing up. Know what he should do? Come back next season. God, I am so in the spiritual doghouse for hating on the guy earlier.
Designers ruminate on Jack leaving. Thankfully I’m distracted by Tricky Ricky using himself as a fitting model and checking out his own delicious go-go boy ass in the mirror. By the way, when I say “delicious” I’m just reading his thoughts about his own ass. Oh and he’s wearing the strappy lady shoes, too. And showing off his potbelly with this belly button piercing. Let’s just move on from Transamerica. They brought fashion bear Chris back! YAY! Chris gets to stay overnight to make up for time lost! Wow, welcome back and enjoy your sweatshop. He tells us the challenge is interesting to him because over the years he’s gained and lost over 1,500 lbs. That’s several Oprahs! The beautiful ladies get fitted. Nothing, nothing, nothing grips J. Harvey’s heart more than when ladies who think they’re not beautiful because they are/were overweight light up when they realize how pretty they are and how good they look in new outfits. I think a crystalline teardrop just fell on my laptop’s keyboard.
Chris wants Steven’s wedding dress. Kit tries it on, and she can practically climb in the sleeve. How ya doing, VictorYA asks Sweet Pea and yes, I know it’s “P” but for some reason I like spelling out the “P”. Sweet Pea responds that she’s sewing too fast, and Victorya remarks that she’d like to be able to sew fast. But how come everything this bitch says sounds like it has an insult at the gooey center? Tim Gunn checks progress, and gets me to laugh when he asks Christian “how fierce” his design is. He’s noted, like the rest of us, that Christian tends to talk in Don’t Panic t-shirts. He demonstrates this by noting that his design is “kind of a big deal”. Which I swear to God I saw on a t-shirt at Tar-jhay. Tim Gunn tells Elisa to “clean it up” like she spilled milk on the cafeteria floor. Elisa clings to her dress form as Tim critiques like she’s about to be washed away by his words.
Steven has only used that wedding dress for the cuffs and collars. He’s making a mistake because he’s barely using the outfit he was given. He says if Nina starts “giving me trouble, I swear…” What the hell are you gonna do? She would EAT YOU ALIVE. She will use your bones as a bed! What are you – crazy? You better hope she doesn’t see the footage of you saying that, Beakman! Or Beekman. However you spell it.
Tim is talking to Chris, and he’s making a sailor outfit. Tim wants to say, “Just avoid the costume route” but he actually says, “costume trout”. Which is awesome, because I’m picturing a trout backstage at dress rehearsal, wearing a smock and hurriedly pinning hems at the last possible minute and getting brine everywhere. Tim Gunn is telling Chris to make his decisions now, because he’s “made more bad decisions at 3 o’clock in the morning than I can list”. Get it, girl! Designers crack up. Tim Gunn says he’s coming back at four after he’s made his bad three o’clock decision, Tim Gunn is a national fucking treasure. Christian annoys Sweet Pea and she makes a comment about killing a twelve year old. Heh. Chris works alone in the workroom. Maybe he got a chance to make a bad 3 o’clock decision.
Ooh, Chloe! In from Texas! She’s driving around LA in her Saturn! She looks good in Echo Park, and lying on a sheet! Don’t get raped, Chloe! Chris is snoring on the couch. He wore his giant cross to bed. He could have woken up punctured. Steven isn’t anywhere near finished. Oh my god, Kevin is wearing a vest and standing with his hands on his hips. Straight as an arrow, that one. Christian sums up the other designers’ works. Chris’ is “pure costume”. Steven and Elisa’s earn “god-awful hideous”. And we get the die over it/die because of it line. Seriously a doll – with ten pre-recorded sayings! Elisa wanted her outfit to be like “a second skin”. I’m not sure a formerly obese not quite slender gal wants the Cirque De Soleil look just yet. Tricky Ricky cries over how good his model looks. Ok, I’ll give him that one. Just one, Rick. But then it goes and gets ruined by his Long Island housewife model wishing him well and he does this thing where he’s practically ready to raise a French manicured nail to hold back the tears from ruining his mascara. I feel like having a beer and watching the game and commenting on the cheerleader’s tits.
Kevin helps Steven out? Steven ends up gluing the dress? He’s sick to his stomach. Me, too. And he’s going home. ALL the designers are helping Steven. His model looks sorta like the maid. Heidi blows Chris a kiss. Aw. The head designer of the Gap is here. The show starts. Jillian says, “I transformed this woman”. Ok, easy there, Jesus. I have to say, Christian’s design is pretty hot and he really updated his model. Steven’s model at least looks jubilant to be a model for once in her life. Rami Noodles’ model transforms herself into Linda Evangelista and is giving some hip and some head nods and this might be my favorite episode so far this season. Heidi is grinning. God, I hope next episode is full of catfights and bitchcraft. Elisa gets nailed. Jillian gets found out for not actually using the blouse that her model had on. But she gets a pass for creating something “sexy and tasteful”. Oh Steven. Nina chimes in with “from a wedding to a funeral”. Is Hugh Grant in that? You know Nina’s gone that route before. With most of her husbands.
Kors tears Chris a new one saying his sailor model is only missing a “cigarette and a beret and she’s Paris 1957″. Unfortunately for Chris, he’s right. Hooker with a heart of gold! Kors tells us that clichÃ©s are there for a reason, god yes, or I wouldn’t be doing these recaps. Judges judge. When Elisa’s name is brought up, Kors moans like the cleaning lady forgot to give the cat her medicine while he was away. Nina’s all it didn’t look like her client, it looked like ELISA! Nina hates when Elisa does that. Steven is crucified. Chris’ is” Paris hooker 50′s” which is my new band name. Does it matter that Steven’s model looked really happy in her outfit? Nope.
Christian wins it! His top did look awesome. Kevin looks a little annoyed that a fellow homosexual beat him. Elisa is very happy for our little floppy haired pocket gay. Steven is told he turned a joyful wedding dress into something a French maid would wear. Steven’s out. Back to homeroom, goober. Or your tree. Steven says he doesn’t know if he’s going to become some sort of “a Greta Garbo-esque recluse or something to that effect”. What? What are you talking about? Who are you? What year is this? You shoot milk out your nose and probably masturbate to Larry Hagman. Move along!
Next – Sweet Pea and Jillian are falling apart, Christian has an ego, and hopefully we meet one of Tim Gunn’s bad 3 AM decisions.