By J. Harvey

Previously – No one got kicked off, and Michael, Jeffrey, Laura and Uli are headed to Olympus Fashion Week

We pause here for a reunion special breather before the big finale. All fifteen designers are in one room. Keith Michael left the shooting gallery just for this. Malan Breton from Taiwan is carrying a briefcase as he gets out of the taxi. Why? What’s in the briefcase? No one else has a briefcase. If it contains a pistol or he’s completely snapped and wants to show Heidi the dress he made out of human skin, I wouldn’t be that surprised. Also, keep in mind that no one tonight can possibly top last season’s reunion show appearance by Lupe who was stoned out of her mind and giving shout-outs to all her bohemian homies. And was quickly whisked away during the commercial. That was hot.

Everyone is gathered except for the final four, as they are much too good to be initially seated with these dregs. I don’t recognize one designer, until I realize it’s the chick who went to Harvard Business School or whatever and she had some kind of motto and that didn’t help her when she made a see through dress and got booted in the first episode. We learned that viewers have voted on their favorite designer through Bravo tv.com and that the winner will receive a check for 10K. Just for being the favorite. It could be someone completely retarded like Bradley, but just lovable enough to garner votes. Heidi exclaims that 10K is a lot of money and I laugh out loud at her audacity. Nothing is worse than a condescending rich person. The camera briefly alights on Robert Best (Barbie guy) and he is so filled with rage. His teeth are clenched, and then his mouth briefly opens up to form a death grimace of a smile when he realizes the cameras are rolling. This could get ugly. And then I realize that there’s sort of a handsome looking guy next to a chick in a toga and it’s Bradley and he’s gone through a total makeover and almost looks…hot? Holy crap. Seriously, the beard and longish curls are gone and he looks like a gym teacher for the special needs set or a sensitive but heterosexual painter.

Heidi polls the designers on being recognized on the street and Bonnie is all animated and wearing a toga. Why? Is she in a play? Heidi mocks Vincent for being “turned on” by a lot of things. Heh. She should write this recap. Malan showed at fashion week despite being booted for the log dress. His designs were inspired by his spiritual godfather, Peter Lorre. Angela says that she can’t go anywhere in L.A. without being mobbed with sympathizers. Please. Did she move Jubilee Jumbles off the farm and into the city? Why is she in L.A.? Don’t even tell me someone wants to manufacture fleurchamp-wear.

More of the J. Harvey’s “Project Runway” recap, after the jump.

Heidi asks designers who they personally thought would end up in the final three, er four. Katherine makes a pass at Allison by naming her. Allison, looking like a glittering shower of homespun gold, agrees demurely. Vincent names Kayne, and you know that made Kayne question his own style, taste and training.

The final four are introduced, and Michael Knight is looking cutesy in a lime polo and Kayne thinks so too. I think Michael has won the paegeant going on in Kayne’s mind. Robert must be slightly jealous despite them being over. There’s a weird moment when Laura comes out and Heidi reacts to Laura’s size and Laura comes right back at her with “you’re pregnant too, sow” and they go back and forth until Heidi breaks the tension with “you look great” and Laura relaxes.

Viewers sent in questions. Does Laura own jeans? These are some dumb ass questions. No, Laura’s version of jeans is riding pants and boots. Of course they are. And she wants to borrow your Grey Poupon as well. That must get her some looks down at the Piggly Wiggly.

Heidi replays the last episode’s final few minutes, and Michael talks about it. And he got braces! Not a grille, braces. Awwww. He’s so cutesy. Jeffrey has a rat-tail and he looks so damn greasy. Seriously, you could cook bacon. Heidi brings out Keith Michael, who is our junkie moustache-twirling villain. And everyone inhales, and claps half-heartedly. The only person really digging him is Allison, who is under his bisexual hypno-spell. Oh god, they so slept together. Allison, how could you let him past the gates of Beautiful Dreamer Land?

Keith’s asked if he feels that the outcome was fair, and he doesn’t and says that it wasn’t in the contract that he couldn’t bring books. And the Harvard Business lady is all “yeah there was” and she’s thrilled because she’s much better at contracts than at designing. Then we get some conspiracy theory bullshit as Keith claims his design books were taken away when he first got there, and then RETURNED to him? “Uncomfortable, isn’t it?” he asks them, always the monkey wrench in our cogs. Heidi says she finds it hard to believe. Tim doubts on him too, and says the producers’ reputations are “imputable”? He insists that the books were returned to his room, and Tim drops the “conspiracy” word and Keith backpedals and says he just doesn’t know how they got into his room. Answer – your ass was high and you were cheating and nodded off before hiding them more efficiently.

The Lizard King is also asked where he went when he vanished for several hours. The usual alley where he cops his shit. He claims he left because people were whispering about him after the initial book discovery. And Heidi, who obviously hates him, says that when you bump someone else’s car you don’t just leave the scene of the crime. I’m not sure this metaphor is apt, but she hails from another land (Beautiful Dreamer Land?) so she gets a pass. And like she’s ever driven a car in the past ten years, bitch so has a driver. Or Seal drives. Keith claims he told a production assistant he was leaving. And got permission. And then brings up that Tim called him a puppy. Keith is heated. Heidi even says it’s getting too hot, and he’s all “I thought so” when she breaks for commercial. I’m guessing he won’t be asked back to be a guest judge next season. I smell a lawsuit.

They have some Tim Gunn is a funny guy with a big vocabulary footage, and he’s asked if he designs his own fashions. No, but he paints, draws and sculpts. “Sculpting, I love it,” says Heidi looking like she is intent on never owning a Tim Gunn original. We get some footage of designers’ most-used phrases. Laura was bandying about “serious ugly” 24-7. Robert’s “boring”. Vincent’s “turned on”. Bradley’s the black cop from Police Academy who makes the mouth noises.

Vincent apparently has been on websites, bitching about Tim bad-mouthing him. He’s also referred to all the other designers as “amateurs” and he backpedals saying that he meant they aren’t up to a certain level. YOUR level?, Heidi inquires coldly. She obviously passed on what could have been a lucrative career as secret police torture interrogator. Allison is listening to Vince and making a frowny face. You know you’re ridiculous when the princess of fantasia is rolling her eyes at you. Because she normally loves all creatures, great and small. Everyone turns on the basket hat man, and he finally admits he has no idea what he’s talking about and his upper lip is sweating in terror.

Malan has received over 2 million emails in support, and thinks that without that support he wouldn’t have shown at fashion week. We get Malan’s story of familial homophobia and couture hatred. Wait, TWO MILLION emails? Malan says that parents should nurture their children and who cares if you’re gay, straight, etc. The camera focuses on Michael during this spiel as if Bravo is telling him it’s ok to come out. Just leave him alone. We get footage of the creepy Malan laugh. I will never sleep again.

They’re asked what challenge was the most fun, and Allison liked the dog challenge because animals make her happy. Of course they do, sunshine maiden. Designers feel that the Mom challenge was the most difficult. Robert brings up Jubilee Jumbles vs. Angela’s Moms. It’s like re-living a horrible trauma, as we know that Angela and Jeffrey’s love bloomed during this adversity. Ohmygod, that’s why she’s in L.A.! Homes have been wrecked! Will “Jubilee Jumbles” be added to the loopy scarification on his wattle? Angela thinks that if her and Jeffrey met under different circumstances, they could have been friends. My delusions about their secret romance aside, Jeffrey looks at her like there is no way on earth I would ever be friends with your ass, Crazy.

We see footage of Vincent freaking out on a production person about his laundry. Meanwhile out on the deck, Michael and Kayne agree that Vincent’s wacky. Vincent READS this guy about his clothes. I like how the producer of Project Runway is wearing a Danzig t-shirt. Vincent appears to have left the show at this point, and demands a plane ticket and leaves the Atlas still shrieking. Jesus Christ.

Michael Knight wins favorite designer. Yay! We love you Michael! And Kors and Garcia present him with his big prop check. Kors tells him not to spend it all in one place and he’s joined my list of condescending rich people that I hate. Michael is so humble and nice.

Heidi, Kors and Hellbitch Nina explain how the scoring works, and basically it boils down to the fact that it’s completely arbitrary. Did anyone else glean that? Kors opens it up to designers to ask questions about why they might have judged things in a certain way. Angela wants to know if she hadn’t told the legend of Jubilee Jumbles, would it have mattere? Nina cracks up laughing at her foolish ass, and tells her it wouldn’t have mattered – your outfit sucked. Angela pushes the issues, and Nina interrupts her to shut her up and repeats that it wasn’t the story, it was the grossness. Heidi proclaims the outfit in question as “hoochie”. Allison’s asked about losing the recycling challenge. She’s moved on, but she did realize that her dress looked bad off the form. Remember her zaftig model with the bow made of hair? Yeah, that one. *cringe*

We get some footage of crazy bullshit. Apparently, the models liked to faint especially loony chatterbox Amanda. Heidi gets my vote for potentially funniest bit of the year as they all watch Amanda hypochondriac and she stage whispers to her “you have that a lot. Why do you have that a lot?” You probably had to be there, but Heidi is occasionally hilarious. And apparently Jeffrey has terrible gas. This isn’t a shock.

We get footage of previous season’s designers. And Jay McCarroll in a headwrap (god, I hate this bitch) says that Michael will win because he’s black. What a sweet thing to say. F*ck you, tubby. I hope Michael finds him and pistol whips him. Chloe selects Michael to win, albeit a little more tastefully then the pudgy angerball back there. And there ya have it.

Next – We made it! It’s time! And Jeffrey cheated? Wot? Keith Michael = not a valid role model.

“Project Runway” airs Wednesday’s at 10/9c on Bravo.