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Elton John is a menstrual bitch. He’s always squawking about something, and seems really chafed all the time. I don’t know what’s up his ass. It might be he’s not getting something up there, hence the cranky. We feel for his husband, the poor bastard. Anyway, awhile back, Elton made some catty comments about Madge and insinuated that she lip-synchs all the time and generally sucks. Well, duh. They buried the nail file last night at the GQ Awards. I know why Madge was there, her peepee is longer than mine – but why Ms. John? That’s no man.

Introducing the Madonna at this year’s GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, Sir Elton said: “This is a moment you thought you would never see.”

The pair hugged on stage, but the acerbic star couldn’t resist a final swipe, adding he had “written a grovelling apology and offered to join the Kabbalah”.

Enough with the Kabbalah. Jesus, these celebrities and their opressing us with their religious affiliations. Stop. No one cares! Elton bitched about Madonna in 2004 at an awards ceremony and said she could “f*ck off’ and said he didn’t care that he was off her Christmas card list. Does the Kabbalah endorse Christmas? Who wants your crappy red string bracelet anyway! I want a plasma TV!

(WENN)