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Welcome back to the second week of Dancing With The Stars!  With the nimble-footed Hoff gone, who knows what glorious shenanigans may come our way.

Even before the dancing started, there were some amazing observations to be had, mainly:

Michael Bolton wearing a SARS mask.  Haven’t seen one of THOSE in a while, have you?  I’m still not quite sure what he was trying to achieve with that bad boy – generally, you don’t try to restrict your air source while working up a sweat.  However, this is Michael Bolton, who famously screwed up the National Anthem at Fenway.  Carry on, Michael.

Brooke Burke’s clear dress straps were a bad idea.  That was just an awkward flashback to 7th grade.  She should have been caked in candy-scented glitter too.  What, you guys didn’t wear that?

Notable appearances: Chris Harrison of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and now the ever-classy Bachelor Pad brought along his pet, The Weatherman.  He didn’t win for bringing the crazy though. Mama Grizzly herself, Sarah Palin finally made an appearance, that was met with a chorus of boos.  The audience sounded quite in tune, so we’ll give them that.

The most notable dances of the night are after the jump!

The winners ended up being Audrina & Tony with a score of
27.  Audrina’s cage shirt looked like something Lady Gaga would wear to
church, but I’m digging it.  If I were that ripped, I’d wear that shirt
everywhere.  Audrina doesn’t get to see her boyfriend very often because
she’s dancing, and it takes up all of her time.  Poor dancing Audrina,
none of us understand what working means.  Tony’s pants were an
interesting choice, calling for my roommate to ask, “Why do his pants
look like that?  They look like a car wash!”  Well, car wash it is then,
because they cleaned up the competition.  See what I did there?  On the
plus side, Tony has to wax his legs, which Brooke didn’t really seem to
understand the concept of.Following closely were the every graceful and lovely Jennifer & Derek,
with a Jive.  Their score came in at 24, and they were FANTASTIC.  That
dress looked like a classy mop spun of Rapunzel’s golden hair.  She
didn’t mention Patrick Swayze, which was nice because she can do
this all on her own.  What did we learn tonight?  Jennifer has a metal
plate in her neck, so she can’t do tricks.  No matter!Tom Bergeron, on the other hand, showed us all he can sit in a Lotus position, and then got stuck.  Showoff.  Tied for third were Kyle & Lacey and Bristol & Mark with scores of 22.Kyle’s
workouts and flexibility training at the hands of Lacey were
hiiilarious.  Somebody get this kid a burger, because he can dance!  I loved Lacey’s dress, it looked like the skins of a thousand flamingos, who then proceeded to devour Kyle.We took a trip to Mamma Grizzly’s home in Alaska, which was more awkward than Kate Gosselin dancing to Lady Gaga. 
She tried to shimmy, which is apparently vibrating and going,
“doodoodoodoo.”  We can show Sarah, but God forbid we show Bristol’s
baby, who has been whored out to the tabloids for the past year.  Oh
yes, that is because she is now a “teen activist.”Ray J
really got into Bristol’s dance, but Bristol was very off.  She was
much better last week.  Maybe sexy Sarah is making her nervous.  She
makes me nervous and she’s just on the TV.  The highlight of their dance
was their awkward Eskimo Kiss, which Tom tells us is a “high speed nose
tap.”  Oh really.  That’s good to know.The less lovely performances were just bad, with Michael Bolton & Chelsea coming in last with a score of 12.  A TWELVE. 
Yikes.  Maybe it was the SARS mask.  Maybe it was the mental breakdown
over Chelsie’s use of “whatever.”  Maybe it was because he started out
in a doghouse.  Either way, I liked that sweater, and want to wear it to
work.  That’s what you get for forgetting the National Anthem at Fenway, Michael.  Karma takes a little bite.Final fun fact of the show, which wasn’t actually in the show.  Did you know that Corky
is the real father of Bristol’s partner, Mark?  Wikipedia says so.  AND
he raised Jennifer’s partner, Derek?  I wouldn’t want to be at a
wedding for that family.  Too much pretty dancing.  I wonder if they
break into interpretive dances at home