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Are you ready?  I have been waiting for this night like Christmas Eve! 

Audrina and Tony
“A moist brow, a racing pulse, clenched buttocks.” – Len

Audrina and Tony Chachacha’d their way along to California Girls.  Audrina vaguely reminded me of Chiquita Banana.  Weird, but I like it.  She looked to Tony a few times for reassurance, but was surprisingly good!  She actually smiled, and seemed to be having an awesome time. 
Bruno says, “Audrina my darling, you look like a beautiful show pony that needs to be pushed to the limit, and whipped into shape.”  The rest of the judges think she has the right attitude and body, and starting with a solo got her major points.
Score: 19

Kurt and Anna
“Such a graceful quarterback.  I can see great potential.” – Bruno

That solo dance routine Kurt did with the football made my feet itchy out of anxiety.  During his first dance practice, he looked a bit like an awkward stork.  Yikes.  Oh, now we have sound effects. 
I actually emitted a snort I laughed so hard at this Viennese Waltz.  Poor Kurt.  He did try very hard, although the enthusiasm with which he flung his arms out made me fear for Anna’s face.   He was quite good at spinning her, which is nice, I guess.  Homeboy needs to work on his flexibility.
Score – 19

The rest of the couples and notable moments from this week’s episode of Dancing With the Stars are after the jump.

Kyle and Lacey“Kyle, you are like an adorable naughty little puppy!  Full of energy…enthusiasm, I want to take you home!” – BrunoLacey
is terrifying me.  I grew up on Disney, and seeing Kyle being molested
by a half naked “schoolgirl” scares the bejeezus out of me.  Kyle
doesn’t seem to share my opinion.  “Were you just staring at my boobs?” 
I smell an underage affair.Holy crap.  This Chachacha is glorious. 
He is quite graceful.  This is very sexual.  I think they just kissed. 
On the mouth.   Fist pump for Kyle.  Screw the inappropriate, that was
sicknasty.  I love.Best part? “Kyle, I liked it.”  Followed by pervert smile.  Oh Len, you creepy old man.Score – 23Rick and Cheryl“Rick, can I call you Mr. Fox?  Because I think you’re a fox.“   Carrie Ann, I’m sure Rick Fox has never heard that one.  Not even once.Rick is a massive man.  Cheryl looks like a little kid dancing on her dad’s shoes.  Good thing she got special tall shoes.Cheryl
is wearing a skinned swan.  How elegant.  And Rick has groped her
within the first 4 seconds.  You know what, they worked through the
height, but Rick is still so tall that he is continuously cupping poor
Cheryl’s boob.  Overall, quite nice dance.  Well done, children.The judges thought they were elegant, and that they had “ridiculously gorgeous” posture.Sidenote: Eliza Dushko?  Wikipedia has confirmed that she and Rick Fox are dating. Score – 22Margaret and Louis“Margaret,
what the hell was that?!…You had a face on you, spiteful!  I thought
you were going to eat somebody!  And then you went into something that
was like the last airbenders…” – BrunoI LOVE Margaret Cho.  She is super fierce and I want her to be my best friend.”You’re doing it like you’re sitting in the bathroom doing #2.”  Awkward.Someone told Margaret she was the “fattest ballerina!”  And she never danced again!  Margaret, dance for us!  Look
at that cape.  The two of them look like Lady Gaga fell into a bouquet
of wildflowers.  This is a good thing.  Ohmygod, now she’s a twirling
tunnel of gold!  The fierceness is overwhelming!  Not going to lie, I
got chills when we looked down on her waving her golden wings.  Who’s
the fattest ballerina now, chicas?!The Judges think Margaret can dance, and should drop all the theatrics.  Show those mean little girl ballerinas!Score – 15Brandy and Maks“Oh Brandy, I love the taste of brandy in the evening.  And after this I could have more and more and more.” – BrunoBrandy
has a special place in my heart because I used to play my “The Boy is
Mine” tape (TAPE) on repeat and sing to myself in my room while
pretending to be both Brandy and Monica.Oooh the chemistry is
palpable.  How does Erin feel about Brandy dancing with Maks?  Their
outfits are just so clashy, they look like a 80s shag carpet.  BUT she
just poked him in the nose.  PRECIOUS.Score – 23Bristol and Mark“I completely thought you were going to come out here and be boring, and I was so wrong.” – Carrie AnnI’m doubtful about Bristol, but I have to like her a little – her solo dance session is exactly how I dance.  Sweet.  “It’s
like Levi and my relationship.  Mama told me not to do it.  But I did
it anyway.”  Which bit, exactly?  Getting pregnant?  Selling your soul
to the tabloids?  Geting engaged?  Breaking up?  Geting engaged again? 
ALL ON TABLOID COVERS?!Bristol dressed like The Mama Grizzly, which
was kind of creepy.  Yikes, I like the dress!  Go Bristol!  She seems a
little unsure, but was actually surprisingly good, and smiled the whole
time.  I love her relationship with Mark, he acts like a protective older brother.  Good job being not creepy Mark.Score – 16Florence and Corky“Oh Florence, you’re a spunky lady, aren’t you?” – BrunoPlease don’t let this be a repeat of Buzz. “At my age you can still be hot and sexy, and you can shake it!”Sassy
dress, Florence.  Carol Brady wouldn’t be caught dead in that getup,
and I like it!  I only hope I am able to shake my hips like that at her
age and be that sassy.  I can’t deny it, I love her.  Annnd, apparently
so does Buzz and his wife.  Nod of approval from Mrs. Buzz.  I’ll take
it.Words of wisdom from Florence – “I think you just have to enjoy
every day and have confidence, and know that life is worth living.  Stay
interested, stay interesting, don’t be boring.  OK Len?”  Len just
blushed like a little school boy.  They’re totally in lurve.Score – 18Michael and Chelsie “Anytime you try something new, it can be painful…once you relax and smile, it starts to look good.” – LenLooking
at these old pictures of Michael Bolton makes me very pleased that he
decided to cut his hair.  Someone needed some serious Frizz-ease.  I
wonder what that hippie would have said if you told him he’d be on
Dancing With The Stars.Chelsie’s dress looked a little like Kate
Gosselin’s until she started moving.  Oooh pretty!  Oh Michael, you’re
lovely and awkward.  But a touch graceful, so yippee.  And their cute
hug at the end was like a father and daughter.  Hooray for not being
creepy!  Double high five!Score – 16The Situation and Karina “Well, I’m in an awkward situation, Situation, because the thing is, I think you have potential.” – LenThe Situation was just described as “The breakout star of the Jersey Shore.”  Gahd.”How do you shake and walk at the same time?”  C’mon Mike, GTL!Love
his bedazzled mesh button up, that is the definition of classy.    I
LOVE her dress, it’s like a giant floppy orange flower of awesome.Of
course, he starts with the fist pumping.  Ohmygod I’m dying, he’s so
bad.  But you know what, he’s having fun, and he’s trying.  Len – “Did I tell you you’ve got the guns, but not the ammunition?”  Well played, sir.Score – 15Jennifer and Derek “Baby is back where she belongs.  And I tell you, I know someone up there is going to be very very proud of you.” – BrunoI love Jennifer, I love Derek.  Bring on the Dirty Dancing Jokes.Their
song was “These Arms of Mine” from Dirty Dancing.  “And then in one
second, it really took me back, almost in like a time capsule, and I was
with Patrick.  I just miss him, and I just realized how fast time
goes.” Nono, don’t cry!  Now I’m crying.  Dammit.  “Patrick was one of
the most fearless people I had ever met.  I’m going to try and go out
there, and be the kind of person that he was.”  What a beautiful homage to Patrick Swayze.  Baby is back.  Derek even danced like him.  Score – 24 – Nobody puts baby in a corner!!!David and Kym“You reminded me of the offspring of Donny Osmond and Jerry Springer.  You dance with your mouth more than your body.” – BrunoThere
were some awkward semi-geriatric gyrations going on, but it’s the
Hoff.  There’s no hamburger on the floor involved, so that’s a plus. 
Three cheers for the Hoff!Leather, studs, aviators, why would we
expect anything else?  The Hoff can still move his hips!  The flame
balls during “Sex bomb” nearly moved me to tears.  He wasn’t amazing,
but what he couldn’t do, he made up for with hip thrusts.Score – 15What
a glorious night of dancing.  I laughed, I cried, I may have even
danced a bit myself.  Bring on the awkward, dancers, we’re just getting
started!  I definitely think Jennifer Grey deserved that score, due to
her stunning tribute to Patrick Swayze, but she can’t depend on that
they whole time.  My two other favorites were Kyle and Lacey, and
Florence and Corky.  Margaret needs to get her act together, despite my
love for her, and The Situation’s performance was tepid at best,
although he did have only 5 days of prep.  Any ideas of who will go
next?Noteables:Jennifer Gray blotting The Situation’s forehead.Margaret Cho’s adorable imitation of her mother.The special moment between Maks and Evan Lysacek.Florence Henderson’s look after dropping an F bomb by accident reminded me of my mumma.  So cute.Every second of The Situation practicing.Jamie Lee Curtis, is that you?