And somehow, it’s a beautiful woman and not a man. I’m still so utterly confused by that man and his overly alert nipples and stretchy black shirts.

A friend of Jasmine’s revealed that she had been secretly seeing the “American Idol” Grouchy-pants for six months and is reportedly completely smitten with the model-fucker.

Ugh.

I do NOT understand the attraction to that cockatiel-haired sourpuss, but whatever. If you’re interested in reading more about Simon’s indiscretion, click here.