ABACUS
FABULOUS
Remove stubborn belly fat and wrinkles with a spell that’s one-part wishful
thinking and one-part Photoshop filter.  Use is primarily limited
to digital domains (Craigslist), Men’s Fitness magazine and Madonna
album covers.

CORNELIUS
WESTIVICUS
A spell that keeps
it real.

Also useful when confronted by extremely frightening white people with
stolen powers, see Dodo Contempto.

DODO
CONTEMPTO
Quickly eliminate those pesky moments of self-doubt by evoking a delusory,
dogmatic disdain for democracy. Occasionally effective in eliminating
all that is moral, ethical, legal and Constitutional.

GAWKERICA
PONDEROSUM
A pick-me-up incantation for folks unhappy that:

• the funniest shit they’ve ever written will never be acknowledged
  by Salazar
  Sicha
• their annual Google AdSense check won’t even cover the cost of a
  baked
  potato bar.

JAKEY
WAKEY
Especially effective on gays who sometimes need to be reminded that just
because a guy lets you suck his dick, doesn’t mean he wants you to be
a co-signor on his Design Within Reach credit card.

KARMIFICUS
METHATATUM
This powerful counter-spell is useful against all things spurious and
cruel since it calls upon the powerful forces of karma, clarity and accuracy.
In other words, it reminds hypocrites that people in glass pipes shouldn’t throw crack rocks.

KLEPTORUM
REVERSUS
Public relations wizards fighting four counts of felonious conduct know
this one by heart.

Don’t hate – we loved Mermaids, too — but it was Shoop, Shoop not
Shoplift, Shoplift.

PARISITEM
LINKITIS
Technically not a spell, and more a “condition” — some would say
demonic possession. Victims suffer from repeated exposure to mind numbing
images, sounds and smells of the foulest thing to emerge from Muggledom.
There is no known cure.

REGURGATARI
This particular utterance is employed incessantly in Hollywood boardrooms
and bathrooms with terribly predictable outcomes in both occurrences.
Namely, rote rehash, rehab and/or repeat offenders (see Parisitem
Linkitis or Saddam Lohanobama).

SADDAM
LOHANOBAMA
This mean-spirited, malevolent and far-too-common conjuration casts a
pall of aspersions, innuendo and disinformation — features fatal, fecal,
fetal, futile, far-out and far-flung foolishness.