For anyone who has functioning eyes, it’s pretty apparent that Tara Reid’s plastic surgery endeavors have been less than successful. However, she recently sat down with US Weekly and elaborated on what exactly went wrong:

On why she had plastic surgery in the first place:
“I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34-B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now, but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I’m in Hollywood, I’m getting older, I’m going to fix them.”

On what went wrong:
“First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn’t want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be better.’ But after six months of ‘it’s going to get better,’ it started to get worse and worse.”

On being intimate:
“Guys I was dating would be like, ‘What’s wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.’ So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that’s for sure.”

On getting lipo:
“I got lipo because even though I was skinny, I wanted – I’m not going to lie – a six-pack. I had body contouring, but it all went wrong. My stomach became the most ripply, bulgy thing.”

I love the section called, “On being intimate,” like Tara ever actually dates people. I imagine the “relationships” all pretty much ended once the jello shooters wore off and they rolled off each other.

Written by Lisa Timmons