Previously – Annoying Spike shouldn’t have used frozen scallops. He’s out. We’re down to four and it’s part one of the season finale! Puerto Rico!
Welcome to Puerto Rico! Why are they here? Is Puerto Rico known for neurotic chefs? Stephanie has been traveling for six months in Thaliand and Cambodia. First off – why? Secondly – did she make a wrong turn somewhere? Jesus, buy a map.
She meets up with Antonia, who has opened a restaurant. Her daughter is getting used to Mommy not loving her anymore. She didn’t say that but let’s be real – she’s gone six nights of the week. Here’s Richard who lost some weight and then made the faux-hawk longer. He looks…off, somehow. He still has the moobs, though. Ok, he’s still cute but in a smaller way.
Richard takes a moment to let us know that he likes Antonia and Stephanie but is fully aware that America hates Lisa. I gather he does, too. And he always seemed like a nice guy. Lisa chopped all her hair off. She looks like Dykey Dykepecker. I’m all for cutting your hair off but at least have a hairstyle in mind. It’s all over the place!
More Top Chef, after the jump!
Padma’s talking about the “endgame” like this is the culmination of her diabolical plot. Her top is too tropical cute for her cold, swarthy beauty. She’s with a dude who I though was Colecovision having sucked the fat out of Richard, but no. It’s Willow or something. Willow Benett? Richard lets us know that he embodies the island.
The chefs have to make fritters with plantains. Lisa hurls herself into the kitchen because she’s so different, and the other three go for the fruit. Chefs chop, cut, peel, and all that chef stuff. Richard sets himself on fire. No, really, I thought he was done for. Outside, Padma and Willow are getting tanked on beers. The lady chefs this year are broad-shouldered and I like it. Antonia made a fritter without plantains. Bad!
Here’s Lisa. She made a go fuck you fritter? Padma is drinking the taste of Lisa’s fritter out of her mouth You and several of her ex-girlfriends. Richard didn’t actually make fritters? Willow liked all of the fritters. Willow felt that Antonia didn’t pull her fritter weight.
Richard’s face falls when Lisa is told she did a great job. Stephanie wins her first Quickfire win! Hasn’t won like three elimination challenges? Padma says that she’ll find out what her elimination win will gain her tomorrow. Right now, let’s party. Padma cuts a rug. So does Willow, and then the girls join in. Richard DOESN’T DANCE, DAMNIT! We get it, you’re awkward yet cool. Just take off your shirt and shake that belly around.
The next day, the chefs gather at some fort. Tom Colecovision didn’t bang in this time, and is showing off some cleavage. The chefs are cooking for some VIP garden part at the governor’s…fort. The chefs have to hack up a pig. A whole pig. Richard looks so cute in his camo capris. They return the last four chefs to go home. Stephanie knew Dale for four years? Stephanie is evil and picks Andrew to assist Lisa. If you will recall, Lisa threw his ass under the bus and then backed it up and rode it over him again. Oh oh. Stephanie’s sly!
Each chef has a giant pig. Richard is gaining inspiration from the pig. The helper chefs are sent to the market for the main chefs. Lisa knows Latin flavors and is confident about her food even though no one else is. Honey, putting your fingers in a Latina chick once doesn’t mean you should be making mole sauce with any sort of confidence, ok?
Sous chefs head to the market to totally destroy the remaining chefs game plans. Andrew has to communicate with a woman who speaks absolutely no English. She doesn’t like him, either. I’m with you, senora. Andrew says he usually uses color words and descriptions in those cases but usually comes off looking like a retard and admits that it happens often to him. This is the first time I’ve ever liked Andrew.
Dale is asserting his stankness and choosing his own ingredients. Lisa is so violent that she’s hammering her pig. Antonia knows that it sounds terrible that she can pop the pig’s legs right out. Richard is looking for some beverage called “Malta”. Birds fly into the kitchen. Jesus, this is so exotic.
The kitchen’s cramped and Richard brought bright green painter’s tape. Lisa is a bitch to work for, and Richard says she’s a rainy day in the kitchen. She really is. She’s like Andrew move, “because I seem to be a bit faster at you than that…” Damn, chef! Just fire his ass. Two hours are up and did Dale leave something unwrapped?
The chefs have five hours the next day? And yes, Dale left something unwrapped. He actually feels really bad. He should feel worse about those weird shop teacher glasses and hat combo he’s got on. Richard is torching pig’s feet. It’s like pork torture.
Antonia’s rice is is overcooked. And her sous chef Nikki feels something is off with her. Lisa is making Eucharist? Oh Jesus! Stephanie’s freaking but then they decide on pig skin salad. Uh, mmmm? The chefs set up for their 100-person cocktail party. Stephanie tells Dale one minute. Dale does seem a little calmer since he lost. Here they come!
The First Lady of Puerto Rico is here! Padma looks delightfult in a sky blue toga type thing. Drunk Gail is here! She’s so drunk that she’s cross-eyed. Richard gives this whole spiel about his food. Richard thinks it’s a “painting”. Richard, just put it in the food, kid. He runs around like a kid with ADD. Get his ass some Ritalin or a cocktail.
We come to Lisa. The judges arrive. Lisa says she knows that the judges are much more “anal” about the food. Well, yeah, it’s Top Chef! Antonia! Drunk Gail is about to pass out in a sterno burner. She needs to sober her ass up or she’s going to end up with a fork sticking out of her glorious boobie.
Ok, the judges are at their table. We’re not going to get the Storeroom of the Hell Dimension this time. That’s back in Chicago. Willow (Weelo?) But they find a new one! Richard has nice legs, and I like the white….oh shit, are those Crocs? Scratch that. Richard and Stephanie get called. They were the judges’ favorites.
Richard won! Yay! He won a friggin’ 2009 Corolla! He’s so cute. There’s still taxes! I don’t mean to be a downer, sorry.
Antonia and Lisa head out to be decapitated. Tom Colecovision has his gruff face on. He wants to know know why she cooked Latin food when she’s known for cooking Asian. Gail slurs that Lisa concentrated more on the garnishes than on the dishes themselves. Where’s your pig, Lisa?
Antonia’s beans were underdone. Well they were called “pigeon peas” or something and what do you expect? Pigeons are gross. And she had all her dishes on one plate. Drunk Gail is so ready to nosedive on Coleco’s basket. “Ish eet Eastah?” she will drunkenly ask.
Lisa’s out back acting like the lesbian of doom saying she’s going home. I like this modified Storeroom of Maudlin Feeling and how they still set up GLAD products to shill in the background. The judges want to tell Antonia that there’s no such thing as al dente beans. Who knew?
And it’s time. By the way, 91% of the people who voted in the US want Lisa to get the hell out. Ouch. I hope she has some sort of car repair circle to hold her. Lisa makes a pursed lips face to indicate she wants to punch Coleco. He says one table didn’t have crowds around it. And I guess it wasn’t Lisa’s. I am SHOCKED they axed Antonia. I really thought she would go the distance.
She tells Stephanie to kick their ass. I liked this chick. And then Lisa tells the others that a “congratulations would have been nice”. Oh she’s such a clam. She says that it made her feel like the wrong person went home. Richard gives her a “shut the fuck up” look. Richard shows some snark and says “what did she expect? You won the f*cking bronze medal. Congratulations. There ya go.” HAH!
Next – It’s the end. And I’m sure we’lll get some more clam diggery from Lisa.