Previously – Tiny bubble Dale was sent home to Snarltown. Lisa has seriously gained the hatred of the at-home audience for her stank. And how come drunken Gail isn’t around all the time in her voluminous, Asian-inspired ensembles?
Jesus, these credits are terrible. The only think I like is the boiling water through the clear pots. It makes me feel kitcheny. Chicago! Chefs adorn themselves in their Top Chef’s uniforms. The women discuss how three girls could end up in the final four. Richard grew some face pubes for the episode and I like them. He looks even sleepier and just roused and I find that sexy.
Chefs go to some “meat purveyors” called Allen Brothers….and isn’t that slang for homosexual? Spike has to take off his hat to put on the butchers’ clothing. Chefs have to hack meat up. It’s like they get to be Leatherface for the day! And they have to hack meat up to a certain configuration or they’re screwed.
Lisa is already stankin’ and yelling “Jesus!” He’s not big on dykes, honey, or so the Pope says. Spike is flying through it like Padma does when she does her knife dance in the bumper to the commercials. Stephanie feels overwhelmed by her meat. This situation is totally conducive to double-entendre.
More Top Chef, after the jump…
The chefs go back to the Top Chef kitchen, with Chef Rick. Lisa totally looks like Red Fraggle today. Rick Tremont St. seems quiet, but judgey. For their Quickfire challenge, the chefs have to butcher and cook a medium rare steak. That sounds so good. With some horseradish sauce? And some mashies? How come steakhouses can’t deliver to my home?
Spike bakes his steak? He’s got to stop mixing up his recreational activities with his cooking. Antonia is bathing her steak in butter. I want ALL of these steaks when they’re done. Rick Tremont St. is quiet in his judgments. He’s making me nervous. Really nervous. Say something! He hates them all! He nails Stephanie and Richard for their butchery and temperature. Spike wins the challenge for his steak flay and baking. I guess he should mix business and pleasure up!
For the next elimination challenge, the remaining chefs will be running a busy night at Rick Tremont St.’s restaurant. Chefs go home and eat their steaks. Richard is directed by a producer to use a gigantic GLAD bag so we know which kind of trash bag to buy down at Johnny Foodmaster. Richard is looking sorta beefy and hot and worrying that he’s going to be kicked out of there. Spike tells us he thinks that Stephanie is the best female chef but he wants Antonia to go home. That doesn’t make any sense. Don’t you want the most skilled person out of there so your competition is lessened?
Rick Tremont St.’s restaurant looks rad. It’s all red and elegant. Spike chooses scallops for his initial offering but everyone notes that they’re as frozen as Tom Colecovision’s soul. By the way, is he going to honor us with his presence this episode? He took some sort of furlough last week and I didn’t like it, I didn’t like it at all! Chefs seem very dubious about Spike’s frozen scallops choice, like he just let the kids wear shorts in May and there’s still some snow on the ground.
Stephanie, who seems like she’s taken her anti-anxiety meds today, is making sweetbreads. They’re a gross part of the veal but she claims that they taste like Chicken McNuggets when she makes them. Sign me up! With some hot mustard sauce!
Lisa is making a peanut butter mashed potato! Really? Is that a joke? Richard is burning something with purple flame! It’s like black magic! Lisa is already complaining because she’s a whiny, gruff bitch. She wants Antonia to close her flame window. Lisa needs to close hers as well if you smell what I’m steppin’ in.
Lisa asks Antonia what happens if Lisa dies. Antonia keeps it polite and manages to avoid saying “please?” or “well, good” or “and?” or “so?” or “I’ll dial 911, I guess.” Lisa doesn’t want to go home early because she says she left her life behind to come here. I’m sure your girlfriend is down at Lips listening to her friends try to convince her that this is the perfect time to end things and put her shit outside on the stoop. Don’t hurry back.
Tom Colecovision showed up for work. About time! No more bangin’ in sick, Coleco! Is there a waterfall in front of the bar? Spike’s scallops defrost and they’re all messed up. Like the time I tried to freeze our cat. Antonia rats on Spike to Tom about Spike’s frozen scallops. And she’s smart to plant that seed. Richard says he’s nervous, today. Tom tells Richard that it’s pretty straightforward that he’s making a beef tenderloin. And Richard gets all kinds of tense. He reads into the remark like that one friend we all have who’s always like “wait, what do you meant it looks ‘nice’?” Yeah, her. Tom also expresses some hesitation about Lisa’s peanut butter mashed potatoes. So do we, Tommy.
We have a scallop discussion with Spike. He’s patting them with paper towels like the delicate creatures they are. Tom has his “you’re doomed” smirk on. Coleco tells them that Tom is coordinating the timing on the meal. There are 60 guests, including Rick Tremont St. and Padma and three VIP guests. Ooh, drunk Gail? I can feel you baby! I hope she’s had some shots.
Richard confirms he has a wife (*sad look from J.*) and that he has failed at many things in his life. No, droopy dog! You’re a winner! Hold that faux-hawk, high! Don’t get depressed now! Cooking, setting of tables, two minutes left! Is Lisa kidding when she tells people to get out of her way? The VIP guests are the three past winners. One of them shaved someone’s head? GAIL IS HERE! Looking busty in yellow! She’s so hammered. She wants to get with Ilan. I know this because I sorta do. Creating tasting portions are a challenge? Isn’t that a given? Spike thinks that his scallops are delicious. The judges don’t. By the way, Evian is a sponsor. I know this because we are treated to a close-up pouring.
Wine flows like my ever-filled mug of Diet Pepsi. Colecovision accuses Richard of killing him with his slowness. Richard doesn’t like that. Tom needs to wait for greatness! Richard Tremont St. LOVES the peanut butter mashed potatoes. These judges have gotten a little too big for their britches since they themselves won. Especially Ilan. He wants his mind blown. Easy there, Top Chef. It’s Bravo.
I love the waterfall behind the bar! I would so get drunk there and probably attempt to bathe in it. It’s over. Time for judging. I’m nervous. Here’s the Storeroom Where The Shadows Lie. Spike opens some wine. Lisa needs a Xanax. Ask Stephanie. Lisa says she wants to stay in touch with everyone. Oh yeah, I’m sure you’ll be added to everyone’s speed dial after your antics. Richard wants to be told how much he sucked.
Stephanie is told that she always seems to be totally cool. Really? She’s the most dying inside one! Rick couldn’t get his arms around Lisa’s appetizer. Well, you’re a man.
Antonia created her own perfect steakhouse. Spike gets scolded for sticking with the frozen scallops. Apparently, gentle patting didn’t help. Things get heated when Spike tells quiet Rick that he’s the one who had frozen scallops in his freezer. Rick hits back with “bitch, you didn’t have to pick them!” Are they going to slap fight? No, Spike smoothes things over. But not with his fellow chefs, when he tells them that he doesn’t deserve to go home. They’re like “no shit, dude.”
Gail was excited by Stephanie’s newness. She’s also excited by her drunkenness. She has nips in her bra, I just know it. I don’t mean nipples, I mean tiny bottles of alcohol. But she has nipples, too. Rick likes Spike’s spunk and fire. Orly? Tom Coleco doesn’t like how Lisa could give one about technique.
It’s down to Spike and Lisa. And these guys are really discussing it. Gail just wants to have some drinks, meet some mens, and perhaps find out what Colecovision’s got packing. First off, the winner is…wait, everyone links hands. That’s very gay. Not as gay as when Clay Aiken held Ruben Studdard’s hand. Stephanie wins a book? That’s it? Read it on the plane to Barcelona. Oh wait, she’s getting a ton of appliances!
Everyone’s going to Puerto Rico! Except for Spike…..or Lisa. Antonia feels like she made it through all the bullshit. Lisa has her arms crossed in her defensive lesbian pose. Tom Colecovision notes that the two of them have been in the bottom two several times. Can they can Spike just because of those hats? I would need to try those mashies just because of the peanut butter thing. They intrigue me.
And Spike goes home. With those damn hats. He’s disappointed. He feels that he showed himself. Yeah, you did. It doesn’t mean it was all good. Lisa hugs everyone and plans to “shock the shit” out of the judges. Stephanie loves everyone?
Next – Puerto Rico. Lisa chops her hair in case we didn’t know she was gay. And others chop meat. The end of this cookery!