By J. Harvey
Previously – J. Harvey was in Canada last week so his sincere apologies for not covering Betty’s exploits. Yes, they have wi-fi in Canada, but just not at my hotel although it was previously advertised. Grrr. Anyway, Salma Hayek has a boyfriend, Lil’ Gay Justin’s Dad wants to see him, Debi Mazar is a lawyer, Amanda wants to upgrade her hoe status, and that crazed bitch in the basement is still running around in graveyards. Let’s begin.
Betty is at Mode, waiting to leave for the Thanksgiving holiday. She’s playing Solitaire, which is like any employer’s basic pet peeve. I wouldn’t be caught dead playing Solitaire. It’s just so obvious. Why doesn’t she build her MySpace page or something? Hot Hilda phones, and bitches about why Betty isn’t home and who’s going to do the Thanksgiving shopping? Betty informs her ass that she’s waiting for her bimbo boss to let her go home. Amanda wanders by and Betty asks her about her big plans for tomorrow. She knows this because Amanda has been flying around in front of Daniel’s office and talking loudly about her plans with her new guy. Who it turns out has to spend the holiday with his wife and kids. Amanda is rightfully disgusted. She lays it down for Betty about how all men suck. Betty can concur, she’s with Walter and knows the pain of being with a simpering dome-face.
More of J. Harvey’s “Ugly Betty” recap is after the jump.
Christina rolls up, and asks what time din-din is at the Suarez residence. She also wants to make sure she doesn’t have to deal with Lil’ Gay Justin putting on any musical numbers. When did Christina get so homophobic? Bitch works for a fashion magazine! What’s her problem? Daniel calls Betty in to whine about how Salma has a boyfriend and he can’t understand a word she says. He cracks a funny when he says that he’s been checking his phone for a message from her every two seconds and feels like he should be eating a Cobb salad and discussing shoes with Sarah Jessica Parker. Heh. Daniel should write this column. Betty gets the leave to go and admits she misses that show as much as I do.
Mark, who is sorta kinda growing on me, makes plans with Amanda to spend the day drinking Mimosas and watching the parade from the office. That sounds like a hot plan. Seriously, I’d sell my family out in a hot second to hang with them doing that. Nothing’s more attractive than two fags and a slut splashing Kristal around and howling laughter at NBC News anchors in bad winter clothing. Wait, I can’t say Kristal – Jay-Z declared a ban. Anyway, drunkenness is essential on holidays. Christina is fitting Vanessa Williams for some ball she’s going to when Mark relays that her obnoxious daughter is coming home for Gobble Day. Her daughter is like mulch to me, seriously – no sauce at all. As Betty is leaving, Daniel pisses and moans that he has to go some Turkey Brunch tomorrow with his Dad and his Mom. His Mom? Judith Light? JUDITH LIGHT?!?! Oh thank you jaysus, thank you! Karen Wolek/Angela Bauer is my hero. I hope she’s drunk as well and being all withering and shite. Anyway, I missed this while I was weathering Niagra Falls – but it appears Salma and Daniel got after it. Cuz’ she shows up and tells him she’s going to the brunch and he gets all excited and then she reveals her boyfriend is attending. And Daniel is all frowny inside but determined to cock-block the guy.
Meanwhile, back at the Suarez household we resume our ongoing telenovela. Debi Mazar’s over, and not acting but still being Debi Mazar so I give her a pass. Seriously, she started off as Madge’s makeup artist or something under the name Debi M. and from there it was stardom all the way. I mean, she was in Goodfellas. You don’t get much more legit than that. Unless you were in Xanadu. Betty’s home, and Justin’s annoyed because she missed his Thanksgiving pageant. He was the only pilgrim who could do jazz hands. No really. This writes itself. Justin also appears to be exhibiting puberty, and little gay kid is cute in a non-pedophile way, but precocious twink teenager is not. I might be over his wonderfulness. Oh god, I sound like Michael Jackson. Where’s Blanket? Hilda pre-empted Betty and did the shopping herself.
Christina and Vanessa have finished sewing Vanessa into her gown, and are listening to two yentas yammer about Turkey Day and their plans. Vanessa decides to make dinner for Mulch Girl. Meanwhile, Betty encounters Gina Hyena on the street (her normal habitat) and Gina clues Betty in on the fact that Debi Mazar’s a fake. Oh oh. Hyena’s also lugging around a grocery bag with cigarettes and vodka which means she feels the same way about holidays as I do. They also give Hyena Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls” as a theme song. This is the gayest show on TV. It couldn’t be gayer unless I was in a Neil Patrick Harris/T.R. Knight sandwich and we were watching “Absolutely Fabulous”.
Betty tries telephoning the lady who Hyena said had been cheated by Debi Mazar but gets interrupted by a topless Daniel on her cell. Daniel should wear fewer shirts and more often. Mark and Amanda are having a fantastic time getting shittoed and watching the parade from the Mode office windows. Daniel called Betty over on Thanksgiving to help pick out his shirt for the Salma brunch. Are you f*cking kidding me? Betty needs to boot him one in the balls. Also, calling Betty for fashion advice? The writers kinda slipped up on that one. Betty complains that she was almost run over by “those queer eye guys riding a giant pilgrim”. Betty should write this column. She notes that Daniel is wearing cover-up over a zit and that she has a life, too ya know. She gives him a pep talk and tells him to go with the purple shirt. Daniel’s got those butt hugging sweat pants on hot straight guys wear around the house. I like him more and more lately. Back at Suarez House, Justin is working the Thanksgiving table and spreading turkey day fairy dust wherever he goes. Justin tells his Mom he needs to be seated next to Christina so they can discuss Stella McCartney’s spring line and hopefully Stella’s Dad’s divorce from that stumpy prostitute. Good luck though, Justin – Christina isn’t down with the gays. Betty’s Dad wonders why Betty isn’t cooking as she has “hands like meat hooks”. Is there a salve for that kind of problem? Oh, and Hilda reveals that Justin’s father Santos will be dropping in for some yams. Poppa Suarez isn’t having jazz hands about it.
Santos, Justin’s Dad, is like twenty-three and kinda hot. He gets hotter as the episode goes on. Shaved head, nice jeans, and open collared shirt. I’m feeling it. Poppa Suarez begrudgingly welcomes him. Betty’s gone to see Donna, the lady who Debi Mazar supposedly cheated. Donna is all Debi’s a cheat and was supposed to get me my kids back and don’t trust her ass. Santos springs a gift on Justin, a New York Jets uniform. HAH! It’s kind of like the time my Dad got me a baseball glove when I was eight and I had nada a clue and really secretly wanted Scarlett, the female G.I. Joe action figure. She had long red hair, a hot jumpsuit and a gun. That’s all I require in life. Justin uses the athletic cup as an eye patch to portray Phantom of the Opera. I refuse to believe he’s gay AND retarded so maybe he’s just really funny. Betty comes homes and tries to delay Hilda giving Debi Mazar the money for their Dad’s defense.
Hilda and Betty conference and argue. Old issues surface and Hilda accuses Betty of being jealous that she’s not the only golden child anymore, and that she only thinks of her family when it’s convenient. Betty cries. America Ferrara is still heart-breaking when she cries. I just want to hold her and take care of that uni-brow for her.
Mark and Amanda try on gowns and run around singing show tunes. Mark’s got nice shoulders but it looks like he’s going for a weird faux-hawk/curly hair rat tail in the back of his coif. What is that? They look like they might bang at any second. Oh god, don’t wreck this beautiful asexual love between them. Oh and they both admit to being in love with Daniel.
It’s Bradford Meade’s brunch and Judith Light’s in the hizzy! Hunter is a big blond weird looking Nordic. They give him backlighting to emphasize how perfect and heroic he’s supposed to be but I think he’s one step away from Buffalo Bill telling Catherine Martin that she better put the f*cking lotion in the basket. Vanessa Williams calls Martha Stewart for advice on how to make a turkey. It’s a stupid cameo and it’s beneath all of us. It would have been much hotter if this could have taken place during the Thanksgiving Martha spent in prison. Bradford is drinking in secret and crazy burqua bitch runs past his office door to freak him out. Has anyone ever thought about chasing this douchebag?
Bradford corners Judith Light and tells her about spotting the supposedly dead Fey Sommers. She takes the opportunity to insinuate he’s bonkers and to suckle whiskey off her fingers. She’s fresh out of detox and I’m sure it’s been difficult for her ass. Dome-face Walter shows up for Turkey Day and hot Santos advises him to get away while he can. Mulch Girl shows up at Vanessa’s crib and it turns out she didn’t come home for Thanksgiving – she came home for a Death Cab for Cutie concert. Firstly, doesn’t Death Cab have families to be with in the Ugly Betty universe and secondly, don’t you love who the writers opened SPIN magazine to find a “cool” band name? It would be much hotter if Nico was going to see Peaches and buying a pussy wig at the t-shirt booth. Yes, Peaches actually sells those. They’re called “merkins”. I strive to be educational. Nico is working some hot zippery army-like pants so maybe there’s redemption for her after all.
In big news, Mark spills it to Amanda that he thinks Vanessa Williams is a dyke. Why? Because she’s always calling some strange woman at weird hours. Who we in the viewing audience know is Fey Burqa Bitch. The two of them set out to get to the bottom of it. They’re gonna end up dead. And I think Mark is wearing pantyhose so he deserves to be.
Salma Hayek wants to go salsa dancing, and Daniel thinks he’s up for the challenge. Who in the blue hell goes salsa dancing on Thanskgiving? Then again, I’m ignorant and culturally unaware. Betty confronts Debi Mazar about being a weasel. And Debi explains that the Donna lady is actually a souse and left her kids locked in her car on a 90 degree day while she was up in the bar room. Why isn’t Donna in the pokey for that move? Anyway, Debi seems to assuage everyone’s suspicions and Betty looks like an ass. Hot Hilda invites Debi to come back later for turkey and Debi takes off with the money. So Debi wins.
Everyone’s quiet at the Suarez hacienda because Debi Mazar took off with their money, jewelery, and food stamps. Daniel calls from the salsa club and bitch looks hot in a black velvety blazer and jeans. Rrraaoow. God, this show is making ME gayer and I didn’t think it was possible. Salma is dancing with another woman and wishing it was Penelope Cruz. Betty has to teach Daniel to dance over the phone. If Betty knows fashion, and how to shake ass in a club – why doesn’t physician heal thyself? Oh, and Bradford and his pet thug check Fey’s coffin. Empty. And Bradford brings in some big zombie looking guy to kill the pet thug for not offing Fey correctly in that car fire.
Hilda admits to Betty that Debi Mazar’s numbers are disconnected and bitch was obviously evil. She’s sad. Salma and Daniel make out in his limo. Salma is all I will leave Hunter if you can give me the white picket fence and babies, etc. Daniel OBVIOUSLY isn’t ready for that as he hasn’t sampled J. Harvey’s wares as of yet. Salma exits the limo; she’s had enough of his game of emotional Parcheesi.
Nico and Vanessa have dinner in their very dimly lit apartment. Is that to illustrate Vanessa’s character’s fear of growing old? Very subtle, Ugly Betty – I like it. Hilda and Betty make up and you know the drill – it’s Thanksgiving. Families can’t be apart on Turkey Day! Unless someone’s in jail. Amanda and Mark crank call Fey Sommers. Bad move. Fey lets Vanessa know someone called her special crazy burqa hot line from Vanessa’s office. Oh, it’s on now, bitches! By the way? Amanda’s East German lesbian gymnast impression of Vanessa Williams on the phone should earn this show an Emmy. And while Vanessa is talking to Fey, the actress playing Nico is doing this weird actress thing where she looks like she’s laughing and enjoying her food as background color to the scene except no one’s saying anything funny and she looks mental.
And a hot faux-hawked barkeep at the salsa club phones Betty to pick up Daniel. Because he’s loaded and laying on the bar and sad and Betty – this is your chance, get some! And Bradford’s new thug buried Bradford’s old thug alive in Fey’s coffin. What a beautiful holiday.
Next – a whole mess o’ stuff happens! Dad’s arrested, Salma offers Betty a job, and Betty slept in Daniel’s arms, and Justin buys some new moisturizer!
Ugly Betty airs Thursday’s on ABC at 8/7c.