Written by J. Harvey

It’s that time of year again, and I’m proud as hell to be covering Project Runway. I’m here to sift through all the debris for my peeps. I’ll be upfront with you all – I honestly don’t know dick about fashion, because I’m far too familiar with the clearance rack down at the Old Navy. But I do know how to take the piss out of people on TV, and that should count for something.

This is Road to the Runway, a Season 3 introduction, and Tim Gunn is a vibrant flower blossoming before us. He’s also one of my favorite TV personalities. Who doesn’t love Gunn? The usual mess of wannabe designers is trying out in L.A., Chicago, Miami, and New York. “Literally, if you give me a sheet, I can give you a schweater.” is heard. And that spelling reflects how “sweater” was pronounced and the desperation to be part of this show.

Designers move to the next level, and submit a personal introductory video. Michael, Nina, and Heidi help decide who makes it. Santino helps Tim out in LA, and Tim has a hard-on for him. Methinks Tim’s horniness will be a recurring theme in Season 3, with plenty of low murmurs of “there’s something about him” and “he’s powerful” abounding. Santino’s life has completely changed. And he has a t-shirt of himself looking like Christ. How do I get one? And we see the Asian chick from MTV wearing one of his dresses at an awards show. And we learn that Vincent Van Gogh wouldn’t have cut off his ear if he had Santino’s personality. Santino is just fun.

More of J. Harvey’s Project Runway recap, after the jump.

Tim tells the other judges that he had concerns about Santino taking over the room whilst assisting the judging. While Tim is letting loose his concerns, I notice Heidi’s hair color from last season has fled her follicles and taken up residence on Michael Kors’ face. Mike’s got himself a Mystic Tan. DAMN! He hasn’t hit “leathery” yet, but he is working on “puffy brown E.T.” Egads. Tim found Santino to be superb. We see Santino judging appropriately.

Tim lets us know it’s a whole different cast o’ characters this season. We’re going to be getting a slew of designers who have experience and see this show as their launching pad. I see this show as a launching pad for some jokes. Bubble-butted, nicely-chested Robert rolls up looking fantastic. Until he opens his mouth and a purse falls out. Robert has been dressing Barbie up until now, which is probably a cool job to have. No, seriously. One of my roommates is into Barbie, and much like Johnny Depp, I find changing Barbie’s clothes and brushing her hair to be therapeutic. Christ, where’s that backspace button…

Anyway, Heidi doesn’t love Robert’s Barbie credentials, and wants to know if he can dress people who aren’t made of plastic with smooth genitals. It turns out Robert HAS had his own line or he designed his own line or something. I don’t know, there’s no guarantee Barbie King will even make it past this special, so I’m not going to harp on the details.

We’re then presented with the first of what I call “cannon fodder.” The deranged people who really want to be on television, and either don’t realize they don’t have any talent in this particular arena, or are complete con artists and just ACTING deranged and talentless for a brief moment on the tube. Cannon fodder.

Much like your life flashing in front of your eyes when you mixed that vodka with Ambien, they flit past our vision. We have a young gay man who has encased a tiny Asian woman in what looks like a 1950s Christmas tree (“it’s a performance piece,” he says), a hefty Goth girl in a black wedding dress, a rotund man in a large lime-green shirt with black wraparound sunglasses and wielding a Chinese fan, and then this crazy bitch in a motorcycle helmet and what looked like a jumpsuit made out of puffy jackets from the 1980′s. I don’t know fashion, but this bitch looks retarded. Exit cannon fodder.

We cut back to our gang, and Nina Garcia is laughing and smiling. I assume it’s from discussing the cannon fodder, but I’m guessing they’re tooling on Mikey Kors’ Mystic Tan. It’s good to see that Ms. Garcia can actually drop her air of irritated boredom for a couple of seconds. She’s still my favorite judge, though. Because while Michael Kors is like the asshole teacher from high school who actually wanted you to succeed but never told YOU that, Nina is the art teacher who saw all the students as mewling abominations, and only wanted to go home so she could work on her novel and smoke hashish and be all languid. I like how she couldn’t give a shit about all this, and it’s merely supplementing her Elle income. Heidi would be the cheerleader who fakes the pregnancy for the abortion money so she could afford go to Aruba that year for the senior trip.

We meet Uli from Germany. She designs long dresses with print patterns. Michael Kors feels her clothes belong in Florida. We meet Jeffrey, he’s a stylist. He’s straight, with a girlfriend and a baby. He’s dressed a ton o’ celebrities, and could be the season’s egomaniac. He wants to build his business. Heidi wants to see him do something other than rock n’ roll rags.

Stacy is here to build a brand. She is ALL business. She even has four C’s: Courage, Creativity, Cash and Celebrity. She’s got mottos! She needs to run a workshop! I’d take it. I want some letters to mean something for myself! She went to Stanford, and her video is unintelligible. The seriously stunning Ms. Klum doesn’t like that the slit in one of the skirts Stacy designed is a veritable vagina portal. Oh like you weren’t wearing something similar when you landed Seal’s facially-scarred ass. My showy bitchiness aside, she’s got a point. The skirt’s crazy inappropriate.

Stacy reminds Nina of Wendy Pepper, whom she speaks of in hushed tones like someone the kids can’t know about. Now, I will admit this right now – I didn’t see Season 1. I had a life back then. Ok, I didn’t have a life but I couldn’t afford cable. I was a mess, alright? Ok, the truth is I didn’t watch the show because I thought I was gay enough already. Anyway, I missed out on all the larger than life characters like Ms. Pepper and that roundish kid Jay who yells a lot who won. Anyway, if I miss any pertinent details in my analysis because of missing Season 1, forgive.

Ms. Pepper lets us know she designed a 2006 collection. And she’s “still in it.” And “doing quite well.” But the pause when she said that lets me know she isn’t doing that well. Stay tuned. We meet Bonnie, who is a cherubic little designer who hasn’t sewn in ten years, and made her outfits that week. She designed outfits for Serena Williams, and she let Serena think Bonnie’s ideas were her ideas. Bonnie goes from athletic to gowns. Michael wants to know if she can do the in the middle part.

We’ve got Vince, who is like every bad Jerry Lewis character that even my drunken father wouldn’t have laughed at. Vincent stopped designing some years ago, and he’s taking a gamble by cashing in his 401K to get back in the game at 49. The judges like it.

Next we have more cannon fodder. Double D Nicole whose Double D’s are just hanging cow like out of her t-shirt. We pause for an eye roll. *eye roll* Another sorta cute guy who designs clothes based on insects. A blonde girl who is wearing what looks like Satan’s vinyl wedding dress, which she describes as “wearable art,” but I mean, where are you gonna wear something like that outside of a My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult show or Halloween week in Salem, Massachusetts? A large bear-like man in a kilt who is going to set all my gay bear friends’ hearts aflutter when they watch this. An older gay man who is dressed like Prince if he got smashed through an International Male catalog. Santino shows his bi-ness by being absolutely hypnotized by International Prince’s package, which is fiendishly outlined in what looks like white lace pants with a white Speedo underneath. I’m shuddering as I write this, and I’m a fan of guys in Speedos. Way to wreck it for the rest of us, Santino and International Prince. Oh, and then we get Rockabilly Devo with Tippi Hedren as Gidget, and they don’t even get the chance to unpack.

Bradley’s next, and this cat has been out in the desert for far too long. Goddamn. But apparently his video was amusing, and his sketches are cute. Michael Kors’ icy heart melts, and he laughs like a child trying to catch a snowflake on his tongue. Bradley really does it for Michael.

We get some Austin Scarlett from Season 1, who people have told me should have won. He designs wedding gowns for Amsale, who is a fashion-designing judge who tore him a new asshole during the competition. The ironing is delicious. And Austin feels that if he had listened to Princess Languid and Tiny Mystic Tan, he would never have gotten to where he is today.

Nick’s back in Shytown to help Tim judge! He’s SO nice to the crowd. I love Nick. He was a bit of a pussy when Zulema took his model, and then said model got canned, but he was under a lot of stress. We find out that NBC had him judging figure skating fashion at the last Olympics. He’s still teaching and working on his line. Nick rocks. And he was one of the trio of people last season who had the temerity to not have any use for Santino when he was acting up (along with Daniel V. and Nina).

Tim’s still looking to tap that ass, no doubt. Cannon fodder. A woman, who looks much like Squeaky Fromme after the initial Manson-ordered hair chop, models a long robe-like creation spattered with paint, which she claims is “reversible.” As the boyfriend pointed out, the problem is that both sides look exactly the same. We both agree that it’s a drop cloth, and that she’s kazoo and soon to be painting personal slogans on people’s living room walls with type A negative. A debutante-looking broad with a white dress with black “wickidy-whack” that Nick doesn’t love. A young black (wo)man with her(his) weave piled atop his glittery head who has a mannish trannie encased in a crazy ruffled bronze evening gown as a model. The trannie looks embarrassed to be there. Tim and Nick politely tell him(her) that she(he) needs to tone down the drama in her(his) creations, and if I may go even gayer than usual – Ms. Glitter Weave is not having this. He haughtily throws on his black crushed velvet short coat and ushers his mannish trannie outta there. Nick’s funny as he notes that he was waiting for Ms. Glitter Weave to remark “you weren’t even wunna da three finalists” to him. Tim agrees by subtlety gripping Nick’s arm. Oh, Tim, it’s not meant to be.

Chicago gave us Kayne. Kayne used to work with animals. He designs pageant wear. He is a good ole’ queen, and Tim likes him, but hates his clothes. Steve is a very pale, polite guy who has created black and gray clothes, and he’s really boring. I think he might be dead, but in his video he does talk about where he’s been banged in his apartment.

Chloe joined Tim in Miami. Chloe! She looks GOOD. She looks HOT. Her store is still big. She is staying in Houston, no plans for NYC. Her life is there. Houston’s lucky. Her world has changed because she can charge more. Heh. Michael is a guy who comes in with dresses made from three challenges from the previous seasons. I think if he gets picked he would be the first male of color that’s been a designer. At least that’s what all the important periodicals are saying. You know, like TV Guide and US Weekly. Chloe digs him because he’s real. Tim thinks he’s all over the place, but they want to see more. Heidi thinks his shit is a howl. Jonathan is a bespectacled designer from West Palm. His all black collection is inspired by his trip to Paris. His clothes freak Michael Kors out. Me, too. Kelly Osbourne presents clothes made out of neckties. Next. Johnny Rotten gets shot down, too.

Katherine is frizzle-fried, and she rides a snowboard, and has a labret type piercing. She looks to be the science-geek lesbian Diana of this season. Her sketches are pretty cool, and remind me of this really good comic Marvel puts out called Runaways, about the hipster children of supervillians. I don’t think Katherine is the daughter of a supervillain or anything, I just like the comic. We spend some time with Kara Saun from Season 1, who has costume designed for movies, had a collection, and designed a bunch of clothes for Heidi for last season. Screw this weak-ass noise, how about spending some time with Lupe? That’s her name, right? The drunken insane-o from last season. Now THAT is someone I want to know more about. Remember the wrap-up show when she was drunk as hell, and giving shout-outs to friends and all they could do was stare at her and quickly usher her offstage? Poor Lupe. Heidi probably had her ass killed.

NYC. They have to whittle down the semi-finalists. Daniel V. is back, and Tim’s boner is over Nick and onto Daniel. He still seems like a chill guy, and he admits he’s not ready to throw his line out there yet, but he’s loved what he got from the show. We meet Jillian, who designs clothes that I feel like I’ve seen somewhere before. She feels like she might just die and explode if she isn’t able to express herself. Settle down, Jill. Mystic Tan loves it. We meet Keith, who only brought menswear, and this one blonde guest judge who is looking to get herself known gives him some lip about how he should not have only brought menswear for his judging samples. Then he presents photos of designs that he “collaborated” on with someone else, and I’m starting to back the lippy blonde because something is growing sketch. Keith’s got a weird puffy eye thing going on, which I hope is a sty and not something sinister. The blonde hammers away at him, and Daniel V. agrees with her, but Tim is horny and “sees something in him.” Yeah, Tim – your penis, we get it. Tim finds Keith to be confident and “powerful.” Nina thinks he’s “tricky.” Ditto.

Laura is an architect, and a little older and flame-haired. She seems kinda cool, and has some offspring. The judges like her experience and the fact that she’s classy and put-together despite having procreated. Then we get what I call lightning round cannon fodder, which means it’s the end of the day, and Tim is tired and fuck this shit. Punk rock girl? Don’t even hang up your clothes. Smiley girl in black? You don’t cut, or sew? You don’t compete. Ridiculous handlebar moustache with no garments? Later, Tim’s insulted.

Alison is cute. And nice. And blonde. She designed her own photo series called “Lost.” I get the feeling she has her shit together. Michael Kors thinks the makeup in her photo book is “gorge,” aka gorgeous. I don’t think I’m ever going to use that term in real life.

Next up is Annoying Jay. God, he’s irritating. I’m glad he’s talented, but man, shut the fuck up. Just because you gave up the money doesn’t make you the Angel of Calcutta, Captain. Tim wants to know what Jay is up to. He’s been trying to figure it all out. We’re then treated to a diatribe about how he’s trying to be above it all and not get people shot in factories? What? I’m just going to ignore him and finish this Devil Dog and maybe start an Austin Scarlett fan club. We pause for an eye roll for Annoying Jay. *eye roll*

(I think his hair looks good, though. Ya know, this bitch is actually sorta my type. Beefy with facial hair and creative. But he’s all, “Everyone keeps asking what I’m up to, and talking about me,” and who are these people who would be that boring? He just wrecks any sexy he might have by speaking.)

Angela’s got a hot pink poufy skirt on. She compares herself to Yves St. Laurent. Fashion is better than food to her, and she makes clothes and accessories like “women make babies.” Squeeze me out a watch fob, would ya dear? She’s using that tone that college junior girls use at parties when they think they’ve discovered their purpose in life, and are telling you about it while you’re trying to play Beer Pong. I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say she’s crazed. She keeps comparing fashion to food. Tim says she was here last year, and they’re concerned about her vision. Kors thinks she’s part of an “artsy-craftsy” movement in fashion. Don’t you just love my new spray painted gold macaroni ornament sweater?

Then we meet Mr. Daniel Feld, who is dressed like the Gestapo, and trailed by several models. His last line failed; he only had two orders. He knows how women want to look, or so he claims. Nina is silent, and thinking about hashish. Up comes Malan, who is greasy and on his third tryout. He’s a performer, not a designer. Tim hates this bitch, because he pissed on design school and magazines in the last audition. It turns out he made it last season, but turned it down. Whoa! And to Mr. Gunn? That’s a “bitchslap.” Malan is the European version of skeevy. Something is wrong here that I can’t quite put my finger on. Nor would I want to. Anyway, it looks like they’re letting him back in. He admits he was a bit ignorant last time, and Tim appreciates that. But man, is Malan in love with Malan. Kors becomes my great-aunt and refers to him as a “wack-a-doo.” Heh.

Road to Runway wraps up with discussion about who’s being let in. Michael Kors thinks there are some weirdos, and he and Tim wonder how these people would actually mass-produce the clothes they’re presenting. Good point. Tim lets us know this isn’t fashion camp, and that the designers need to “hit the ground running.”

Anyway, our finalists include:

Alison – blonde, cute. ‘Gorge” makeup on her models, according to Kors.

Malan – skeevy fake Brit who tells us he’s 32 and I ain’t buying it. “God bless Botox” he says, and then tells us he’s joking, which is usually proof positive that you aren’t.

Vince – older designer back for another go-round, channeling Jerry Lewis.

Bradley – looking like he just broke out of the home, funny sketches.

Jeffrey – has a kid, punk-looking stylist.

Keith – puffy eyes, who didn’t bring any women’s clothing, but piqued Tim’s libido.

Laura – mother of five, Park Avenue-looking.

Michael – first black male designer they’ve had, and who I bet Chloe woulda dumped her boyfriend for.

Uli – German lady with many prints.

Kayne – designs pageant gowns.

Bonnie – designed for Serena Williams.

Angela – “Fashion is food”. *runs* *hides*

Stacy – “The Four C’s.”

Katherine – Snowboards.

Robert – designs for Barbie.

Nina really likes the range, and “they’re designers.” The judges seem really happy. We get advice from past contestants. The only thing that stands out is Santino advising that if “Nina starts yapping off at the jib,” to “put her in her place.” That’s a howl, and I wish I wrote it. Annoying Jay tells us blah blah blah, and you need to blah blah blah arrogance, and scene! Santino forgets to dispense advice, and takes the opportunity to unleash “what I created is what I created, and you can fuck off.” Er, thanks for the…advice? Guy, the arms were FALLING OFF the jumpsuit! Annoying Jay tells us he played the production and look where it got him. Quick, pass me a map so I can locate where it got you exactly, Queen for A Day. And there ya have it.

Let the games begin! Angela can’t use a sewing machine, and Mr. Gunn bids someone adieu.